Jokes

Posted on 15 January 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.

The first Sunday after he gets his teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only 10 minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for two hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation has to mob him to get him down from the pulpit, and they ask him what happened.

The pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.

But, the third Sunday, by mistake he put his wife's teeth in and couldn't stop talking.

-- Joke submitted by Gabbro   [Jokes]



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Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"

The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

-- Joke submitted by Vicky   [Jokes]



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How to Annoy the IRS

Well it's tax time again boys and girls. So cough it up if you haven't already! But no one says you have to go gentle into that dark night. Here are some hints on how to annoy the IRS if you owe them money...

1. Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples on the right side.

2. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the leftside).

3. Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.

4. If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, use a two or three party checks. On top of paying with a three party checks, pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.

5. Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on.

6. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a burlap sack.

7. When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.

8. If you send two checks, they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.

9. Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.

10. Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be verified and then date stamped.

These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the IRS. These methods are only recommended when you owe money.

-- Joke submitted by budd   [Jokes]



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Three couples are dining together.

The American husband says to his wife: "Pass me the honey, Honey".

The English husband says to his wife: "Pass me the sugar, Sugar".

The Russian husband says to his wife: "Pass me the steak, Dumb cow".

-- Joke submitted by Lyd   [Jokes]



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A witch is mixing something and a man goes up and asked what she is making.

The witch replied, "A brew which includes side effects of a headache, dry mouth, muscle fatigue and turning into a frog."

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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"So", thundered Larry's furious father, "you've been expelled from college, have you?"

"Yes, Dad. I am a fugitive from a brain gang."

-- Joke submitted by Linda Truss   [Jokes]



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Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

1. Buster! Come back with that! Bad dog!
2. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
3. Hand me that... that uh... thingie.
4. Well I guess that just about sews it up! Little joke there!
5. Oh no, where's my Rolex?
6. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml. of this stuff before?
7. Who's been sipping from the anesthetic bottle again?
8. Your scalpel-hand is shaking, Johnson.
9. There-go the lights again...
10. Quick! Call the plastic surgeon!
11. Ya know, there's big money in kidneys.
12. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
13. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
14. What's this doing here?
15. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
16. Sterile, schmeril. The floor's clean, right?
17. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
18. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
19. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
20. What do you mean, you want a divorce?
21. Fire! Fire! Everyone get out!
22. Hey!!!! Page 47 of this manual is missing!
23. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?

-- Joke submitted by Roy Forbes   [Jokes]



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Two rich men were talking over coffee and croissants at their country club one day and one of them said to the other one, "Hey, I tell you my driver is really stupid... you don't think so? Let me show you."

And he called his driver Ah Beng over and said, "Jim, here is a 10 dollar bill, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes."

To which Jim replied, "Yes Sir! Right away!" and rushed off to the showroom. The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid."

The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." And he called his driver, Ali: "Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home."

Ali said, "Yes Sir!! Right away, Sir" and ran home.

"See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here."

Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Jim said to Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is so stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and asked me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes ... Doesn't he know that today is Sunday?? The showroom is closed!"

Ali replied, "You think he is stupid, huh? My boss is so much worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home ... He's got a cellphone, right, he can just call home to check!"

-- Joke submitted by Tom-tom   [Jokes]



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