Jokes

Posted on 23 September 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

The boyfriend said, "We're going to have a great time Saturday. I've got three tickets for the show."

"Why do we need three?" asked the girl.

"They're for your father, mother and kid sister," he replied.

-- Joke submitted by Pete_Ex   [Jokes]



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There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

-- Joke submitted by ClearWinner   [Jokes]



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Jim had been out on the town with a dazzling blonde, and he was returning home as the rosy tints of dawn began to color the skies. Marshaling all his inner resources, he managed an air of sobriety and dignity before the suspicious eye and wagging tongue of his wife.

Suddenly, as he was undressing, she punctuated her harangue with a sharp, gasping intake of air.

"Jimmy," she asked through tightly clenched teeth, "Just where are your underwear?"

Bleakly, Jimmy perceived through the fog in his mind, that his boxer shorts were indeed missing. Just then, inspiration stuck.

"Oh shoot!" he cried with aggrieved dismay. "I've been robbed!"

-- Joke submitted by Brian Kerr   [Jokes]



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19 Ways to be Offensive at a Wedding

1. Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.

2. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.

3. Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog.

4. Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex change operation.

5. Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.

6. Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate for a drug rehab. clinic.

7. As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.

8. Ask the bride's mother to give you a hand job.

9. Give the bride some Bianca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm.

10. Propose a toast to the bride's nose job.

11. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from.

12. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.

13. After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, "Throw your bra, throw your bra..."

14. Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.

15. Tell the rabbi that there's no money to pay him, and ask if he'll settle for stupping the bride.

16. Assure the bride's mother that the groom is hung like a horse.

17. Return a bra which the bride left in your car.

18. If there's a hunchback at a Jewish wedding tell him that he has to wear one yarmukle on his head and another on his hump.

19. When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing, "The Lady is a Tramp."

-- Joke submitted by PerichH   [Jokes]



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Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks

10. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."

9. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.

8. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it down with a hushed, "I can't talk now... I'll call you later."

7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.

6. She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes."

5. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's giving it.

4. When you call her, she answers your voice with, "Oh. It's only you."

3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.

2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.

1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.

-- Joke submitted by Michael Howe   [Jokes]



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Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Willy?

1. My Willy ate my homework.

2. Oh, no! Willy is frothing at the mouth!

3. Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Willy.

4. I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Willy on a leash.

5. Willy doesn't come when I call him.

6. I love giving Willy a bath.

7. Willy needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.

8. Playing with Willy really wears me out.

9. Would you like to see a picture of Willy?

10. I keep a picture of Willy in my wallet.

11. I think Willy is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.

12. Help! I can't find Willy!

13. Willy gets excited whenever the mailman comes.

14. Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Willy to the hospital.

15. Watch it or you'll step on Willy.

16. When Willy behaves well, he gets a bone.

17. Stop kicking Willy.

18. Willy is truly man's best friend.

19. I've trained Willy to jump through hoops.

20. Willy always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.

21. Excuse me, I need a muzzle for Willy.

22. Sorry I'm late, but Willy kept me up howling all night.

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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Stuff Women Really Need To Know About Men

Ok ladies, this is for you. Some of you just don't know what it's like to be a man, or know what a man wants. Now, while I admit we're not as mysterious as women, there's still some things you need to know.

1. If you're cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.

2. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
(Unless the answer is yes).
(In which case, can he videotape it?)

3. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.

4. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to our manhood.

5. Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.

6. It is only common courtesy to leave the toilet seat up when you're done.

7. If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.

8. The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.

9. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.

10. Don't hog the covers. Really.

11. If he has to sit through 'Legends of the Fall', you have to sit through 'Showgirls'.

12. 'Fine.' is not an acceptable way to end an argument.

13. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.

14. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.

15. Of course he wants another beer.

16. The guy doesn't always have to sleep on the wet spot.

17. Dogs good. Cats bad. Grrrrrrr.

18. He does not want to be just friends.

19. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.

20. He was not looking at that other girl.
(Well, okay, maybe a little).
(Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy...)

21. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.

22. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.

23. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.

24. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.

25. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.

26. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.

27. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Did I mention Love it?

28. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.

29. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.

30. He heard you the first time. Honest.

31. You know, you can ask him out too? Let's spread the rejection around a little.

32. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.

33. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.

34. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.

35. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.

36. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that?

37. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: 'You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?'

-- Joke submitted by BEE   [Jokes]



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How musicians do it...

Musicians do it with rhythm.
Musicians do it in quartets.
Musicians do it on a higher scale.
Musicians do it in the practice room.
Musicians do it according to the conductor's instructions.
Drummers do it faster and faster.
Pianists touch, tickle, and titillate.
Jazz musicians do it with improvisations.
Band members do it in front of 10,000 people.

-- Joke submitted by kicks   [Jokes]



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