Jokes

Posted on 5 December 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Blonde Bob was asked, "How many seconds there are in a year?"

He answered, "It's gotta be 12 seconds in a year - January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..."

-- Joke submitted by JJP   [Jokes]



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A cop is doing standard patrol when he notices a car swerving all over the road. He quickly turns on his siren and pulls the guy over.

"Alright," says the cop, when the man gets out of the car. "Walk in a straight line."

"I'd be happy to," says the drunk, "just stop moving the stupid line."

-- Joke submitted by Brian Russel   [Jokes]



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A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found Bob.

"I think this one will really move," said the broker. "It's only $1 a share."

"Buy me 1000 shares," said Bob.

The next day the stock was at $2.

Bob called the broker and said, "You were right, get me another 5000 shares."

The next day when Bob checked in the paper, the stock was at $4! He ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10000 more shares!"

"Great!" said the broker.

The next day Bob looked in the paper and the stock was now selling for $10 a share! With all his purchases, Bob had made over $100,000 in just 4 days! Excited, Bob called the broker and said, "Sell all my shares! I want to cash out."

The broker replied, "I would, but to whom? You were the only one buying that stock."

-- Joke submitted by makhno   [Jokes]



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Teacher to Student: Kid, your essay on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy from him?

Student: No, teacher, it's about the same dog!

-- Joke submitted by Liz Gross   [Jokes]



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A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money."

And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.

-- Joke submitted by Claudine   [Jokes]



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One day, two guys were driving to a local grocery store to get some food. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red.

The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, "What the heck are you doing? You're going to get us killed!"

Then the driver responded, "Don't worry, my mother always drives like this."

So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, "I thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!"

The driver looked at the passenger and responded, "I get it! But like I told already, you my mother drives like this all the time!"

Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The driver slammed on his brakes and stopped the car completely. "What the hell are you doing?" The passenger screamed. "This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?"

The driver replied, "That's my mom's car coming over there!"

-- Joke submitted by Monica Finch   [Jokes]



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"How are you getting on with your football, Jack?"

"Well, Dad, pretty good. The coach said I was one of the team's greatest drawbacks!"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Teacher: Do you know that Rome wasn't built in a day?

Student: Then was it built during the night miss?

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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