Jokes

Posted on 19 April 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A man tells his friend, "I went to my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking."

"What did he say?"

"He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate."

"Did that do any good?"

"No I can't get the chocolate to light."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."

There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"

-- Joke submitted by Olgamun   [Jokes]



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One evening, two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Chevy Camaro going east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Hey Sarge, why did you stop?"

The Sarge replied, "You stupid rookie! That guy's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

-- Joke submitted by Matt Blay   [Jokes]



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One day the school principal was talking to Johnny's teacher about his poor behavior. All of a sudden, Johnny comes running down the hallway.

The principal asks, "Why are you running?"

Johnny says, "I'm trying to stop two kids from fighting, sir."

"Which two?" asks the principal.

"Me and the kid chasing me!"

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room.

As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room.

The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue."

Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?"

The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

-- Joke submitted by yokko   [Jokes]



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A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The officeworker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.

"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

-- Joke submitted by Kate Polansky   [Jokes]



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Being a Man

1. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
2. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
3. You don't have to shave below your neck.
4. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
5. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
6. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
7. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
8. You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.
9. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too "icky".
10. Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
11. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
12. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
13. One mood, ALL the time.
14. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
15. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
16. You can open all your own jars.
17. You can kill your own food.
18. You can leave the motel bed unmade.
19. Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
20. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
21. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
22. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
26. You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
27. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
28. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
29. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
30. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
31. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

All in All... It's Great Being a Man!

-- Joke submitted by Brian Kerr   [Jokes]



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A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike one!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.

"Strike two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully.

He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.

"Strike three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed: "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world."

-- Joke submitted by TheWhiteRabbit   [Jokes]



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