Jokes

Posted on 21 July 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drives off to the right and the other drives off to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!"

-- Joke submitted by VeggieQueen   [Jokes]



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Q: Why did the man put condoms on his ears during sex?

A: He didn't want to get hearing aids.

-- Joke submitted by Oosen Krom   [Jokes]



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Two firemen were buttfucking in a smoke-filled room. The fire chief came in and saw what they were doing. He shouted, "What the hell are you guys doing?"

The first fireman said to the chief, "This man is suffering from smoke inhalation!"

The chief replied, "Why the hell didn't you just give him mouth to mouth or something?"

The first fireman said, "I did! That's how all this shit got started!"

-- Joke submitted by Keith Zheng   [Jokes]



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Q: Two little potatoes stand on the street corner. One is a prostitute. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

A: It's the one with the little sticker that reads: "I-DA-HO." Also, she has herpes sores on her lips.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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How dentists do it...

Dentists do it in your mouth.
Dentists do it orally.
Dentists do it with drills and on chairs.
Dentists do it with filling.
Dentists do it and then tell you to spit.

-- Joke submitted by Xter   [Jokes]



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"Are you and Larry serious?" the one girl asked her friend while they were talking over cocktails.

"We're still a little short of a meeting of the minds," she replied. "I want a big, old-fashioned June wedding, and he wants a quickie in the back seat."

-- Joke submitted by Matt Blay   [Jokes]



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A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.'" She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why yes, I do. How did you know?"

The man stood up, grabbed his crotch and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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A rather large lady had saved her money for a long time to be able to afford a cruise on a ship to the Bahama's.

When she gets settled in her cabin she goes to the dining room for her first meal on board, and is invited to sit at the Captain's table.

As she is seated at the table a mimmicking voice behind her loudly squawks, "Aawwk, Lady! How's your hole?"

Totally embarrassed, she turns to see a parrot on his perch behind her. She says to the steward, "Will you "Please" get rid of that foul mouthed beast?"

The steward replies, "I can't madam, that is the Captains parrot, which he dearly loves."

As the meal progresses to its end the bird continues to harrass the lady with his loud squawks, "Aawwk, Lady! How's your hole?"

The embarrassed woman finally retires to her cabin and goes into a restless sleep.

In the middle of the night the ship sinks rather suddenly and the lady finds herself floating in the ocean on a chest. As daylight breaks the next morning the lady hears this loud squawk behind her, "Aawwk, Lady! How's your Hole?"

The lady turns around to see the parrot floating on some debris and she replies, "Aah, Shut Up!"

The parrot says, "Aawwk, Mine too! Must be the salt water!"

-- Joke submitted by Kans   [Jokes]



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