Jokes

Posted on 11 August 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

-- Joke submitted by Lucy Povey   [Jokes]



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A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."

-- Joke submitted by Larry Grond   [Jokes]



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An elderly, successful farmer had owned and developed a large farm over a period of many years. He had a large pond in the back, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been down to check it out for a few days.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices, shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come here to watch you ladies swim, or to make you get out of the pond. I only came to feed the alligator."

-- Joke submitted by Uncle Bubba   [Jokes]



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At a championship high diving contest, a spectacular dive was performed to wild applause. Then the announcer's voice came over the loudspeaker:

"Ladies and gentlemen! I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that the judges have awarded the magnificent dive you just witnessed a perfect score. The bad news is -- there was no water in the pool."

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died."

"But you see I'm alive," smiled the friend.

"Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable than you."

-- Joke submitted by Mike Eaton   [Jokes]



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A group of Arab terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages.

The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

-- Joke submitted by Leo Grant   [Jokes]



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At a construction site on the 80th floor of a high rise building, the lone conservative on the crew was having a heated political discussion with the liberals on the project. Deciding to take a break, he called everyone over to the edge of the roof.

"Did you know," he began, "that there are extremely violent invisible updrafts that are able to keep a body floating in mid-air? They only occur at certain times during the day between buildings. Here, I'll show you!"

He then leaped off the side of the building, and with arms spread-eagle, floated effortlessly on an unseen cushion of air, and then gradually steered himself back to the safety of the roof.

"That's awesome," one of the left-wingers shouted. "I want to try it."

"Me too," another cried, and then another, and as they leaped over the side of the roof, one after the other. They fell 80 floors straight down to the ground... SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT!

A crowd rushed over to witness the carnage, and while doing so, one of the spectators looked up and remarked, "Boy, Clark Kent sure hates liberals!"

-- Joke submitted by Zamember   [Jokes]



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A man walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he notices Van Gogh playing the fruit machine.

He calls over, "Hey, Van Gogh! Want a drink?"

Van Gogh replies, "No thanks. I've got one 'ere."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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