Jokes

Posted on 15 July 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.

"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"

"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."

-- Joke submitted by Owen   [Jokes]



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A young man is buying some condoms. The cashier asks him, "Would you like a bag with those?"

"No," he replies, "she's not that ugly."

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done. In walks a young chick with a low cut blouse that revealed a rose tattoo on one breast.

One lady leaned over to the other and said, "She don't know it, but in 50 years she'll be wearing a long stemmed rose in a hanging basket."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging Jeff's shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso.

Jeff was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows.

"You wanna wank?" she asked.

"You bet," came the excited reply.

"OK," she said, "I come back in ten minutes."

-- Joke submitted by marxxx   [Jokes]



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A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."

-- Joke submitted by SweetLime   [Jokes]



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A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

-- Joke submitted by ziapod   [Jokes]



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Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large birdcage.

She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad.

Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?"

Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man."

Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

"Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz.

Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

-- Joke submitted by laurie   [Jokes]



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Engineering Phrases (And what they really mean)

Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)

Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)

The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)

We're trying a number of different approaches. (We're still guessing, at this point.)

Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)

Years of development. (It finally worked.)

Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)

We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)

We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)

We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)

Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)

Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)

Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)

No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)

Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're not likely able to fix it.)

All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)

Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)

Robust. (More than rugged.)

Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)

Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

-- Joke submitted by Brian Kerr   [Jokes]



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