Jokes

Posted on 22 May 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.

As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food- drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."

-- Joke submitted by Olivia   [Jokes]



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The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds.'"

-- Joke submitted by Ralph Clayton   [Jokes]



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Peter says, "Doctor, I see double!"

"Sit on the chair please," the doctor says.

"Which one?" Peter replied.

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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A teacher was taking her class for a walk in the woods.

"Now Mary," she said. "What do you call the outside of a tree?"

"I don't know miss," said Mary.

"Bark, you silly girl," said the teacher. "Bark!"

"Oh, all right then," said Mary. "Woof-Woof!"

-- Joke submitted by Nelly Vogel   [Jokes]



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At the airline check in at London Heathrow, a man has three bags.

He puts them down and says to the young lady, "I'd like you to send this one to Los Angeles, that one to Hong Kong and the last one to Durban."

Her face shows signs of confusion before her training takes over and she says, "I'm afraid we can't do that, sir."

"Why not?" demands the man, "You did the last time I flew with you."

-- Joke submitted by greygoose   [Jokes]



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A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

-- Joke submitted by RORCA   [Jokes]



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A botanist had just returned from an expedition to the South Pacific Islands and was discussing their adventures with their colleagues back at the university where they taught.

"What was the most exciting discovery you found there?" asked a fellow professor.

One of them replied, "The people native to this one island had discovered the most amazing cure for constipation. Using only the leafs of the local palm trees they concocted a suppository which quickly cured the ailment."

Another professor asked, "A palm leaf suppository? Did it really work?"

Replied the botanist, "With fronds like these, who needs enemas."

-- Joke submitted by k_grek   [Jokes]



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Rules for Being Human

1. You will receive a body.

You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.

2. You will learn lessons.

You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons.

Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works".

4. A lesson is repeated until learned.

A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end.

There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better than "here".

When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will, again, look better than "here."

7. Others are merely mirrors of you.

You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you.

You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie inside you.

The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this.

-- Joke submitted by Tom Darnell   [Jokes]



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