Jokes

Posted on 11 December 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A fellow charged with robbing a sporting-goods store asked a lawyer to defend him.

"I will take your case," the lawyer said, "if you will assure me of two things: that you are innocent, and that you will pay me $1600."

The client thought for a moment, then said, "Will you do it for $400 and a nice set of golf clubs?"

-- Joke submitted by Ulan   [Jokes]



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There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot.

The first professor yells, "There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be the stupidest kid on Earth."

The second professor says, "No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot."

The first professor says, "Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out? If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner."

The son says, gleefully, "Sure dad" and runs off.

The second professor not to be outdone says, "Oh Yeah! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave."

Sam says, "OK" and leaves. The professors keep arguing.

Jake and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father.

Jake says, "Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it."

Sam says, "Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave."

-- Joke submitted by wonderless   [Jokes]



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"The grocer gave me a phony quarter this morning. You can't trust anyone these days!"

"Let me see it."

"I can't. I used it at the drug store."

-- Joke submitted by JJP   [Jokes]



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At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes three. "I'd like to know why," she scoffed.

The clerk thought a moment and then suggested, "The horses are a lot older now?"

-- Joke submitted by Sandra   [Jokes]



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What's the difference between a girl, a military and a diplomat?

If a dimlomat says "yes" - this means "maybe".
If a diplomat says "maybe" - this means "no".
If a diplomat says "no" - this means this is not a diplomat.

If a military says "yes" - this means "yes".
If a military says "no" - this means "no".
If a military says "maybe" - this means this is not a military.

If a girt says "maybe" - this means "yes".
If a girl says "no" - this means "maybe".
If a girl says "yes" - this means this is not a girl.

Question: "Who is neither a diplomat, nor a military?"

-- Joke submitted by Kevin Gasper   [Jokes]



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There's a mom with three kids. The first kid comes up to her and says, "Mommy, why did you call me Rose?"

And the mother said, "When you were a baby, I dropped a rose on your head."

And then the second kid comes up to her and says, "Mommy, why did you call me Daisy?"

And the mother said, "When you were a baby, I dropped a daisy on your head."

And then the third kid comes up to her and says, "Rarrfgdxdb... garblefarbleblock."

And the mother said, "Not now, Brick."

-- Joke submitted by Nancy Cohran   [Jokes]



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They wanted it to be a very special occasion, one which would never be forgotten by the family. A safari Bar Mitzvah was being done too often, a neighbor's son had had his ceremony at the Wailing Wall, and the South Pole was just too cold. So the father of the boy arranged to rent the shuttle from NASA and take the Rabbi, family, and all their friends into space.

The scientists had returned from MIR and it was not being used at present. The shuttle docked with MIR. The excursion created a lot of world-wide attention, and when they returned all the press was there to find out how it went.

The first person off the shuttle was the 80 year old grandmother, and the reporters asked her, "How was the service?"

Grandma answered, "OK".

"How was the boy's speech?"

"OK."

"How was the food?"

"OK."

"Everything was just OK? You don't seem to have liked it? What seemed to be wrong?"

"To tell the truth there was no atmosphere!"

-- Joke submitted by oliviakelly25   [Jokes]



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50 ways to add confusion to dining halls

1. Find two straws, preferably with wide tubes. Sip some soda up and spray it on the person next to you. Pretend nothing happened.

2. Don't go to the dining hall. Live there and never leave. When people come in, hara** for news of the outside world and tell them how the dining hall needs new ketchup.

3. Before eating, say grace. Punctuate by slamming your face into your food.

4. After obtaining your food, proceed to throw it out the nearest window. Turn to the person nearest to you and say, "Wow! Did you ever see [name of dish] fly like that before?"

5. Hide behind the milk dispenser. Moo every time someone gets milk.

6. Go up to the server and ask to see the chef. After he/she is introduced, request an off-the-menu meal consisting of lightly blackened escargot, a simmering seafood bisque, a delicately roasted rack of lamb in a basil cream sauce, and a tart but not sweet dessert of his/her own concoction. When he or she refuses, punch them and proceed to make this meal yourself.

7. After finishing your meal, look at your brand of china. Proceed to look at everyone else's, regardless of whether they're finished eating or not. Complain how the school is too cheap to buy some real Wedgewood china. Then dump your dishes and waste food in the trash and explain how it would be cheaper to buy new dishes than to wash the old ones.

8. During the meal, start a conversation about the innocence of Jeffrey Dahmer. Then look at everybody's limbs with a marked amount of interest. Then "involuntarily" drool.

9. Stand in line for the food. After getting your food, smear it over your clothes and return to the end of the line. Repeat.

10. Complain how cold it is in the dining hall--to every person in the dining hall.

11. Instead of getting a fork, knife, and spoon, get three spoons. Cut your meat with them and pretend not to notice.

12. Do not to use glasses. Anytime you feel like having a drink, go up to the liquid dispenser, wrap your mouth around it, and press the button. Complain that it goes too fast.

13. Burp to the tune of Jingle Bells.

14. Stand next to the salad bar. Every time someone reaches for some food, yell, "Hey!" and shake your head.

15. Remark on how the food's sanitation is open to question. Recall the time you saw the chef blow snot rocks into the food "for seasoning." Ask the person next to you to be your Food Tester.

16. Enter the dining hall half naked. If you're not immediately removed from the premises, sit next to someone eating. Ask him or her how they're enjoying their meal.

17. Ask how the lettuce was killed. After the initial pause of confusion, shake your head angrily and yell, "What about vegetables?! Don't they have rights too?!"

18. Grab a big handful of whatever it is you're eating and shove it into your neighbor's face. Offer him or her a bite.

19. Get your food and sit down. Count out loud the number of grains of rice you received, starting again every once in a while. When you're done, go up to the server and tell him or her how you were cheated out of 8 grains and proceed to make a scene.

20. Same as above, but with burgers.

21. When they're not looking, empty your bladder into an empty glass. Show contents to everyone and say, "This apple juice tastes funny. Here. Try some."

22. Every time someone takes a bite of their food, laugh uncontrollably. Stop suddenly and warn everyone not to laugh. Then take a bite of yours while giving everyone an evil eye.

23. Get a friend. Practice weightlifting tables. If people complain, weightlift them.

24. Get some clean plates and empty glasses. Sit down and stare them down.

25. During the meal, yell out, "Oh my gosh! It's still alive!" Grab your knife and start hacking at the meat.

26. Dress in clothes with lots of pockets. When you're in the dining hall, stuff them with all the food you can find. Waddle out of the dining hall, but on the way out, remark how the dining hall never has enough food.

27. Practice singing.

28. Randomly stop people from eating and try to convince them that their food is poisoned.

29. Bring insects and small rodents. Release.

30. Dress in a toga. After getting your food, find a comfortable place to recline. Throw your utensils on the floor and start eating Romanically. Explain how you never should have trusted that Brutus guy.

31. Switch the label on skim milk with the one on whole milk.

32. Yell to someone walking by, "I'll take two hot dogs, and my son will have some peanuts."

33. After getting all your food, sit down. Start arranging your food alphabetically, from left to right. Ask the person next to you whether you should put orange juice under "o" or "j."

34. Bring in a television and VCR. Set it up to play "Faces of Death." Eat avidly as you describe each screen to everyone. Embellish. Don't be afraid to speak while your mouth is full.

35. Get a large container and fill it with milk. Pour its contents into the cereal dispenser. Dispense cereal. Complain about how you always get too much milk.

36. Go up to someone you don't know and say, "Can I toast your buns?"

37. Talk to your food. Tell it to quit complaining or else you'll chew more.

38. Find and remove all the green Froot Loops from the cereal dispenser. Then announce to everyone that you're charging a nickel for each green Froot Loop. If they refuse, tell them that they're not real Froot Loop eaters.

39. Stand where everyone empties their trays. Offer to eat everything unfinished.

40. "Pa** the pepper and salt, please."

41. Dress up in coat and tie. Find a table where everyone's done eating. Inform them of the daily special desserts and take their orders.

42. Spill your drink and tray on a person and run off.

43. During the meal, tell about the time you beat a boulder to death.

44. Find a full table. Ask, "Is anyone sitting under there?" Proceed to eat beneath the table. Ask for amenities such as napkins and ketchup. Comment on how nice everyone's shoes look.

45. If sitting with someone with whom you're romantically interested, complain how the setting isn't very romantic. Apologize. Then give a look of resolve and proceed to smash all the lights in the dining hall. Sit back down and remove the shattered gla** from your partner's food.

46. Bring in a cordless or cellular phone. Order pizza.

47. During the meal, complain how terrible the virus is that you have. Proceed to cough and sneeze on everyone's food.

48. Speak of some disgusting topic while everyone is eating.

49. Request a waitress.

50. Comment on how good the food is.

-- Joke submitted by sostupid   [Jokes]



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