Jokes

Posted on 11 June 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he'd see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, "Sure."

So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend:

"I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down."

With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Corvette.

A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph.

He called into headquarters on his radio: "Hey, you guys aren't going to believe this, but there's a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on Highway 3, and there's a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!"

-- Joke submitted by makhno   [Jokes]



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A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.

The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little old tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"

Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.

"Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"

As they passed Westminster Abbey the cab driver was silent.

"Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.

The driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."

-- Joke submitted by Susan Casey   [Jokes]



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"Father McCarry, is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" Bill asked his minister.

"Definitely not," was the answer.

"Are you absolutely certain?"

"Yes, Bill Schneider, absolutely."

"Ok. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that $100 I gave you after my wedding last year?"

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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Having passed the enlistment physical, Robert was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"

"My father said it'd be a good idea, Sir."

"Oh? And what does your father do?"

"He's in the Army, Sir."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!"

"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him."

The mother said, "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."

"Thanks, Mom," the boy replied. "But my aim is much better than yours."

-- Joke submitted by Elisha   [Jokes]



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A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."

"He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"

"Didn't you say he was 13?"

-- Joke submitted by VickyLoo   [Jokes]



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Things to ponder

Why do they call it your "bottom", when it's really in the middle of your body?

Why do they call them guidance counselors when all counselors do is offer guidance?

If you tell someone they are being judgemental aren't you being judgemental yourself?

Why do they call it a 'running back' when he is running forward?

Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?

Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?

If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?

If Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm?

Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up?

How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?

Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?

If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?

If you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?

If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?

-- Joke submitted by Ed Simonovich   [Jokes]



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Things to Do When You're Bored

1. Join the Foreign Legion.
2. Request covert assistance from the CIA.
3. Build a pyramid.
4. Paint your teeth.
5. Wear a salad.
6. Speak with a forked tongue.
7. MAKE a drive in window at your local bank.
8. Shave a shrub.
9. Have a proton fight.
10. Confess to a crime that you didn't commit.
11. Learn to type...with your toes.
12. Buy the Brooklyn Bridge.
13. Mail it to a friend.
14. Exist...existentially of course.
15. Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska.
16. Hot wax the bottoms of your brother's dress shoes.
17. Print counterfeit Confederate money.
18. Go back to square one.
19. Sand a mushroom.
20. Play solitare...for cash.
21. Abuse your patio furniture.
22. Write a book about a previous life.
23. Count to a million...fast.
24. Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins.
25. Revert.
26. Think shallow thoughts.
27. Run around in squares.
28. Boil ice cream.
29. Carve your girl/boyfriends initials...in a marshmallow.
30. Converse...with a flatworm.
31. Speak in acronyms.
32. Drive the speed limit...in your garage.
33. Make a schematic drawing...of a rock.
34. Sing the National Anthem...during your calculus final.
35. Pay off the national debt...with a bad check.
36. Calmly have a nervous breakdown.
37. Give your goldfish a perm.
38. Fly a brick.
39. Play tag...on the nearest interstate.
40. Paint stripes on a lake.
41. Kickstart your TV.
42. Kickstop your TV.
43. Perfect the internal cumbustion telephone.
44. Prove once and for all that a cow can jump over the moon.

-- Joke submitted by P. Etchingham   [Jokes]



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