Jokes

Posted on 9 December 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed," replied the rabbi.

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


You know you're getting old when your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

-- Joke submitted by Tambre   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Two country doctors were discussing the population explosion. One said: "This crazy birth rate is getting so bad that soon there ain't gonna be room for everybody. It's gonna be standing room only on this here planet."

"Well," said his colleague, "that sure oughta slow 'em down a bit!"

-- Joke submitted by Yohan   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Recently, the "Love Bug" Virus circled the globe, damaging computers in it's path. There have recently been some new mutations or variations of this virus that you should be aware of.

1. The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your computer, but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.

2. The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.

3. The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.

4. The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiate ting with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.

5. The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer isn't working and takes half of your computer's best data in an ugly network session.

6. The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and tries to record all of its functions. And it writes rude messages to any other computer with which yours connects on any regular basis.

7. The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers with which it is totally incompatible or prove generally unavailable.

8. The "Deadbeat" virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.

-- Joke submitted by gargona   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"

"I got into a fight with the apartment manager."

"What for?"

"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"

The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Gellar on the third floor."

-- Joke submitted by Suzy   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Top Ten Things Men Shouldn't say out loud in a Victoria Secret store

1. Does this come in children's sizes?

2. No Thanks. Just Sniffing.

3. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

4. Mom will love this.

5. Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?

6. No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.

7. Will you model this for me???

8. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!

9. But darling-your mother already has that one in red.

10. 45 bucks? You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!

-- Joke submitted by KaSandra   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Gags For The Office Drone

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".

3. After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian accent as in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

4. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"

5. In a colleagues diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".

6. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

7. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

8. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."

9. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go.

10. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

11. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

12. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

13. Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Rules for Buying Gifts for Men

Rule #1:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" No one knows why.

Rule #3:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills.
Again, no one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto,eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.

-- Joke submitted by Ted Milton   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Q: What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
A: She gave him the cold shoulder!

Q: What do snowmen wear on their heads?
A: Ice caps!

Q: What's an ig?
A: An eskimo's home without a loo!

Q: What do snowmen eat for lunch?
A: Icebergers!

Q: Where do snowmen go to dance?
A: Snowballs!

Q: How do snowmen travel around?
A: By iceicle!

Q: What sort of ball doesn't bounce?
A: A snowball!

Q: How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
A: You wake up wet!

Q: What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark?
A: Frost bite!

Q: How do you call an Eskimo cow?
A: An Eskimoo!

-- Joke submitted by Merci   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


The Ultimate List of Pick-Up Lines to use on Engineering Chicks

1. I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.

2. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.

3. Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.

4. My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.

5. Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.

6. Wanna come back to my room? ...and see my 166mhz Pentium?

7. How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

8. You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.

9. You're sweeter than glucose.

10. We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.

11. Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between you and me?

12. Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX?

13. Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.

14. Isn't your e-mail address beautifulgirl@mydreams.com

15. You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power.

-- Joke submitted by Robby Bobby   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5



2  Next >