Jokes

Posted on 13 December 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A man and woman doing staff in bed after midnight. At one point they hear a car noise and a strong brake.

Woman: "Take your staff and run on the window. I think that's my husband."

The man panics, jumps out of bad, takes his clothes from all over the place, and jumps on the window.

After a while the same guy with his clothes knocks at the door: "Hey wife, I think we are a little bit stressed."

-- Joke submitted by Alex Buldakov   [Jokes]



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Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"

The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."

-- Joke submitted by Yonders   [Jokes]



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Traffic police stops a car.

Policeman: Have you drunk any alcohol today?

Driver: No.

Policeman: Breathe into the tube... Well, no alcohol is detected... Maybe the tube is broken... (breathes into the tube himself). No, it's working!

-- Joke submitted by Tom Aubrey   [Jokes]



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"Watch out," the wife cautioned her husband, who was driving. "Don't you see that car is braking?"

Then she snapped, "Don't pass that truck - his tire is wobbling."

The husband turned on his CB and informed the trucker about his loose wheel.

The wife, in a nasty mood because of a headache, was irritated by the incessant squealing of the CB. "Why do you always get so much static?" she asked.

"Because," her long-suffering husband replied, "I'm married."

-- Joke submitted by Mike Harney   [Jokes]



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One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have money for food," the poor man replied.

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man then, in a pitiful voice said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, " Glad to do it... You'll love my place; the grass is almost a foot high."

-- Joke submitted by law-n-don   [Jokes]



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"Your wife will hit the ceiling when you come home tonight," said the man to his drinking buddy.

"You're right," he replied. "She's a lousy shot."

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

-- Joke submitted by cadet burger   [Jokes]



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Words of Wisdom

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

-- Joke submitted by U$k   [Jokes]



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