Jokes

Posted on 16 April 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A Woman's Random Thoughts

Skinny people tick me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I forget to eat." You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, 'Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?' Clear as a bell my body said, 'listen wench...do it and die.'

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him).

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 20 can fit into their stuff.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

-- Joke submitted by Raina Kropp   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

-- Joke submitted by Doug Lanning   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


One night a lady with a black eye stumbled into a police station. She told the desk sergeant that she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the face and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a few minutes later, also with a black eye. "Did you get hit by the same attacker?" she asked.

"No" he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

-- Joke submitted by Jo Trevor   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"

Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.

"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."

-- Joke submitted by Little Panda   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


At a mental asylum, the warden decided they were overcrowded. One day, they thought of a way to keep the population down. They had all the mental patients bring an object up and tell them what it is.

One patient brought a pillow. The keeper asked, "What do you have there?"

The patient said, "This is my baby."

They took her back to her room.

Another one brought a box, and said, "It was a time machine."

Others brought a sofa and said it was a car...

Finally, when the got to the last patient, they noticed he was dragging a matchbox by a string he had tied to it.

Hopelessly they asked, "What do you have there?"

To their surprise he said, "This is a matchbox tied to a string."

Doubtfully they asked, "Are you sure that's not your dog?"

Angered the patient said, "Does that look like a dog to you?"

Evidently, they were dealing with a sane man, so they made the decision to let him go...

Three steps outside the asylum, the patient then turned to the matchbox and excitedly yelled, "We fooled them Fido! We fooled them!!!"

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A blonde entered a store and saw a pen the other day. She picked it up and took a look at it because it was prettier than most. The clerk said, "It's made in Germany."

She said, "That's too bad, I can't use it then."

The clerk said, "What's the matter? You don't like German pens?"

She said, "No. I just never learned to write German."

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A group of prospective jurors was asked by the judge whether any of them felt they had ever been treated unfairly by an officer of the law. "I once got a ticket for running a stop sign," offered one woman, "Even though I definitely came to a complete stop."

"Did you pay the ticket?" the judge questioned.

"Yes."

"If you thought you were innocent," the judge went on, "why didn't you contest it?"

"Your Honor," she replied, "There have been so many times I didn't get a ticket for running a stop sign that I figured this evened things out a little."

-- Joke submitted by Vicky   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Questions to Ponder

1. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

2. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

3. If you shouldn't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

4. If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?

5. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

6. If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, could you plan a surprise birthday party for them?

7. If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?

8. If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

9. If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?

10. If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?

11. If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

12. If you take a shower, where do you put it?

13. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

15. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?

16. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

17. Is it possible to be totally partial?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

20. Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?

21. Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

22. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

23. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

24. Why is it called a tv set if you only get one?

25. If its zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

26. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

27. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

28. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

29. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

-- Joke submitted by Emma   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5