Jokes

Posted on 18 October 2021


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

The train was about to pull out of the station. A young man ran towards it and managed to throw his bag in and climb aboard just in time.

A fellow passenger looked at him and said, "Young man, you should be in better shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat's whisker and still be fresh. Look at you, panting away."

The young man took a deep breath and replied, "I missed this train at the last station."

-- Joke submitted by Max Rubin   [Jokes]



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Getting a haircut

Women's version:

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man 1: Haircut?

Man 2: Yeah.

-- Joke submitted by Liam Gibson   [Jokes]



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Leaving a plush night club one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the doorman without tipping him.

Nevertheless, the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and said pleasantly, "By the way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way home, sir, just remember that you didn't pull it out here."

-- Joke submitted by Eric   [Jokes]



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There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"

-- Joke submitted by gotit   [Jokes]



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Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say

1. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

2. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

3. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car - GO CRAZY.

4. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend... you might want to consider throwing a party.

6. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies-you know-that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

7. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

8. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

9. Father's Day? Aaahh, don't worry about that - it's no big deal.

-- Joke submitted by ritz   [Jokes]



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Murphy's Laws Of Work

1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

2. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

5. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

6. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

7. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

9. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

10. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

11. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

12. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

14. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

15. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

16. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

17. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong...

18. ...until the next person quits or is fired.

19. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

20. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.
(For instance, The Murphy Centre for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T...).

21. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

22. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

23. People are always available for work in the past tense.

24. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

25. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

26. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

27. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

28. No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

29. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

30. The longer the title, the less important the job.

31. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

32. An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

33. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

34. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

35. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

-- Joke submitted by TheWhiteRabbit   [Jokes]



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