Jokes

Posted on 18 August 2022


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Tom and Jim go into business together. Tom has the money and Jim has the brains. The night before a huge meeting Jim has a heart attack and dies. Without Jim, the business is sunk. In a state of panic, Tom goes to a fortune teller for help.

Tom enters the dimly lit room and sits down across the table from the fortune teller. There is a sign on the wall with 3 prices... 25, 50 and 75 pounds.

He asks, "What do I get for 25?"

"You can speak to the dead," replies the fortune teller.

"That's no good. What about 50?"

"For 50 you speak to your friend and he will reply."

"That's it! That's exactly what I need!" exclaimed Tom. "Just curious, what does 75 quid get you?"

"For 75, you speak to your friend and he will reply."

"That's the same thing," said Tom.

"Yes," the fortune teller answered, "But this time, he will answer while I drink a glass of water."

-- Joke submitted by Ian Burrey   [Jokes]



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An insurance agent approaches a cowboy, trying to sell him an accident policy.

The agent inquires, "Have you ever had an accident?"

"Never," the cowboy responds. "However, just recently a horse kicked in two of my ribs, and back a couple years ago a rattlesnake bit my ankle."

"Wouldn't you call these accidents?" says the puzzled agent.

"Nah," the cowboy replies. "They both did it on purpose!"

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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Jimmy's English teacher was a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his pupils. So it was only to be expected that he would get furious when Little Jimmy handed in a poor paper.

"This is the worst essay it has ever been my misfortune to read," ranted the teacher. "It has too many mistakes. I can't understand how one person would have made all these mistakes."

"One person didn't," replied Little Jimmy defensively. "My father helped me."

-- Joke submitted by VickyLoo   [Jokes]



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"You're right Susan. I am going to quit making negative statements too. I am going to speak positively from now on as well," Betty said.

"Really Betty, like what?" asked Susan.

"Well," Betty says, "I used to always say that my husband was not fit to live with hogs. Now I am going to say he IS fit to live with them."

-- Joke submitted by kassandra   [Jokes]



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Management Tree

A Management Structure is often referred to as a tree. This is an accurate description for the following reasons:

- It is made almost entirely of wood.

- Parts of it can be dead for years before they drop off.

- If a branch falls off, most of the parasites move back to the main structure.

- It takes years to react to any environmental change.

- A large one can transpire hundreds of gallons of liquid in a day.

- It sometimes carries a great many nuts.

- If not pruned regularly it will not bear much fruit.

- Small pieces which are chopped off often grow again in a few years.

- It can be fired, but usually needs lots of paper to get it going.

- It may provide shelter for those underneath, but also blocks out most of the light.

- From the top one can see for miles in all directions, except vertically downward.

- Anything heavy dropped from the top reaches the bottom quickly; the intervening layers merely delay it slightly.

- Parts of it can be used to make boards (of varying thickness) but unless properly seasoned the quality will be poor.

- It bends easily in light winds but in storms it is rarely flexible enough to avoid damage.

- It sometimes gets the chop, but usually only after it has been dead or rotten for years.

- A man falling from the upper levels can often grab a lower branch to break his fall, but a man falling from lower levels goes straight to the ground.

- Sometimes one can move from tree to tree without touching the ground. One can travel thus for considerable distances eventually reaching a point at which one has absolutely no knowledge of the ground below.

- Monkeys can get to the top with remarkable speed.

-- Joke submitted by Sean Weiler   [Jokes]



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50 Rules for men for successful relationships with women

1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules- No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is not an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dishsoap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you are not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on wrestling.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
48. Call... and call again.
49. Don't lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you are sitting on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything else out.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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