Jokes

Posted on 3 August 2022


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Zoo Keeper: "I've lost one of my elephants."

Other Zoo Keeper: "Why don't you put an advertisement in the paper?"

Zoo Keeper: "Don't be silly, he can't read!"

-- Joke submitted by Parka4r   [Jokes]



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The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed. The daughter of the family was with them, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.

The child was about six years old, snub nosed, freckled, buck-toothed and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her.

Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I fear," carefully spelling the key word.

Whereupon the child piped up, "But awfully s-m-a-r-t!"

-- Joke submitted by Emily Malahide   [Jokes]



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An elderly patient went to the doctor.

"I need your help, Doctor," he said. "Do you remember those voices in my head which I've been complaining about for years?"

"Yes."

"Well, they've suddenly stopped."

"That's good. So what's the problem?"

"I think I might be going deaf."

-- Joke submitted by Mike Eaton   [Jokes]



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"But why did you leave your last place?" the lady asked of the would-be cook.

"To tell the truth, miss, I just couldn't stand the way the master an' the missus used to quarrel."

"Dear me! Do you mean to say that they actually used to quarrel?"

"Yes, miss, all the time. When it wasn't me an' him, it was me an' her."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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Unavoidable Laws Of Life

1. When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von fumbles law)

2. A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny)

3. When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of ichiban)

4. Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance so sorry law)

5. When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny awaits law)

6. If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem (law of gravitas)

7. Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances. (Einstein's law of persistence)

8. You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of dingaling)

9. Whenever one wants to connect with the Internet, the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)

10. If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of wasteland)

11. The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of pi eyed)

12. The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell scoop)

13. Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of ogolly gee!)

14. Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo.(The donking principle)

15. After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of fatal irreversibility)

16. Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of de lay)

17. Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway. (Theory of absolute certainty)

-- Joke submitted by clone   [Jokes]



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How to Have Fun at a Boring Party

1. Speak in a strange foreign accent. when someone asks where you are from, name a country only you can pronounce.

2. Use a different accent every time you talk to someone new.

3. When getting food, pile everything onto your plate in heaping servings - make sure to use your hands!

4. Ask the host, "Who threw this cheesy party, anyway?"

5. Turn cartwheels across the floor. If you can turn a back flip, all the better!

6. Bring a novel and curl up in a corner with it.

7. Cough all over guests, then exclaim, "Doctor says a few more years and I'll be cured..."

8. Hang your head and whisper one-word answers to questions.

9. Play a lullaby on a kazoo during a speech (singing a lullaby works okay, too).

10. If there is music, mix up your dancing: break dance to classical, symphony conductor hand waves to techno music.

11. If you find your former dancing partner dancing with someone else, burst into tears, wailing, "I thought you loved me!" and run from the room.

12. Tell a middle-aged wife, "Your husband seems very happy with that girl in the closet..."

13. Tell a middle aged man, "Your wife seems very happy with that boy in the closet..."

14. Whisper to the guest on your right, "What kind of lame moron actually goes to these parties, anyway?"

15. Bring Lego warships and fighter jets. Wage a war in the middle of the room. Urge other guests to get involved. If you are a historical expert, reenact the revolutionary war, the civil war, world war two, etc.

16. Bring a soccer ball, basketball, football, or baseball. Start a game... in the kitchen.

17. Karate chop everywhere and everything. Yell really, really loud. A few sudden kicks would be worthwhile as well.

18. Wear wool or feathers and sneeze all night. "The doctor says I'm not allergic to anything except sheep and birds..."

19. If someone says the word no to you, say, "How dare you turn down the prince/princess of Ugranialo!"

20. Burst into the room an hour late, sopping wet and screaming, "I've done it! I've found Atlantis!"

21. Pick out the oldest women at the party, run up to her, and exclaim, "Grandmother! it's me, Anastasia!"

22. If it is a summer party in the evening, break into a duet with another guest: "Summer nights". Persuade the host to sing "You're the one that I want," with you.

23. Come in saying, the guy outside in the lab coat is looking for (insert name of host).

-- Joke submitted by Jasmine Voss   [Jokes]



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