Jokes

Posted on 17 May 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

There was a pretty nurse named Carol who broke her engagement to a doctor. She was explaining everything to a friend.

"Do you mean to say," exclaimed Cindy, "that the bum asked you to give back the ring and all his presents?"

"Not only that," said Carol, "he sent me a bill for 37 visits."

-- Joke submitted by opten10   [Jokes]



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An old man and a young man are travelling on the train. The young man asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?"

The old man does not answer.

"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"

The old man keeps silent.

"Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!"

The old man says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself.

"Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!"

Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.

He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling. "Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?"

"Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!"

-- Joke submitted by cadet   [Jokes]



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Here are some ideas to drive men/women crazy.

To drive MEN crazy:

Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. (Hide them well.)

Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.

Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ding Dongs.

Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he's gained a few pounds. (I love this one!)

Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother's side.

"Accidentally" fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel fuel.

Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time.

Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.

Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who "needs it more than he does."

Insist upon a lot of "meaningful conversations." (late at night!)

If you live together, have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.

Reverse his contact lenses in their case.

Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his "sinking" on film.

Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.

Give the secret stash of dirty magazines that he thinks you don't know about to his younger brother, who he hates.

To drive WOMEN crazy:

Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.

Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.

Superglue the commode seat in the up position.

Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.

Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.

Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.

Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.

Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.

Never give her a straight answer.

Take up yodeling and practice a lot.

Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)

Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.

Pretend you forgot how to speak English.

Answer every question with "Yes, dear."

-- Joke submitted by Mia Solo   [Jokes]



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Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the Bronx Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place. Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can't get them back in their cages. Finally he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"

"A lawyer? Why?"

"We need someone who speaks their language!"

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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Rancher: You want to work around here? Can you shoe horses?

Cowhand: No, but I can shoo flies.

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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Girlfriend to Boyfriend: Now it is time we should marry.

Boyfriend: That's ok, but who will marry us.

-- Joke submitted by Jaideep   [Jokes]



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The Top 15 Hassles of Being a Cult Leader

1. Don't get to pick who will play you in Movie of the Week after you're dead.

2. Do you think there's a "Self-Appointed Son of God" discount at the movies? Well I'll tell you, pal, there's not.

3. Between grappling with the mysteries of the universe, deflowering new child-brides, and dodging phone calls from Reno, you can't keep track of your soaps!

4. Swastika on forehead makes getting good service at the deli a little dicey.

5. When the crowds disperse, the repeated chanting of your name is left behind and your mom calls to remind you that you're really just an inconsiderate slob who can't even remember the birthday of the woman who nurtured him in the womb for nine long months.

6. After you 'let' them live at your compound and give you all of their money, they expect to be fed, too!

7. Requests to FBI to play something "more danceable" on siege loudspeakers are constantly ignored.

8. Having to show ID after signing checks "The Messiah."

9. Those annoying, cute teenage girls who don't give a damn about your self-made religion but just want to sleep with you all the time.

10. That damned Kevorkian always gets to your followers before you can.

11. The FBI cuts the cable off during seiges.

12. Getting snubbed in the debates was bad enough, but when your own followers start to call you "a short, big-eared, maniacal crackpot" it *really* pisses you off.

13. Marrying 31 wives and doing the math on the PMS schedule.

14. Finding able disciples who can recruit rich, attractive young women as well as today's political operatives do.

15. Keeping out of the news.

-- Joke submitted by Eddie   [Jokes]



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