Jokes

Posted on 26 April 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Did you ever see the customers in a health-food store? They are pale, skinny people who look half dead.

In a steak house you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying of course, but they look terrific.

-- Joke submitted by galatea   [Jokes]



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Patient: "Doctor, help me! I can't stop acting like a turkey!"

Doctor: "I see. How long have you had this problem?"

Patient: "Let me think a second. Mom laid the egg in 1954..."

-- Joke submitted by Doug Lanning   [Jokes]



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A mother walks in on her 6 year-old son and finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?" she asks.

"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."

"Well, Honey, that's wonderful." Being a wise mother, she recognized his victory in the struggle of autonomy versus doubt. "You're growing up, but why are you crying?"

"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my life."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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A man walked up to a vending machine, put in a coin, and pressed the button labeled, "Coffee, double cream, sugar." No cup appeared. Then two nozzles went into action, one sending forth coffee, the other, cream.
After the proper amounts had gone down the drain where the cup should have been, the machine turned off.

"Now that's real automation," the man exclaimed. "This thing even drinks it for you."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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Doctor: Have you had this before?

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: Well, you've got it again....

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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Bachelor Food Storage Guide

Here it is, the secret chart used by bachelors worldwide, because they don't have wives who can recognize on sight (and sometimes before) when the Big Mac has become one with the special sauce.

FREEZER FOODS:

ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.

FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

IN THE FRIDGE:

EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway -- if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite!.

MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.

LETTUCE - Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet and a brillo pad. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. Endive never spoils, but you will never eat it anyway.

MAYONNAISE - If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. Permanently.

CARROTS - A carrot you can tie a clove hitch in is no longer fresh.

CHIP DIP - If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

UNMARKED ITEMS - You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them. If the original can you put it away in has finally lost it's label, it's probably done.

EMPTY CONTAINERS - Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is a fine old trick, but it only works if you live with someone else.

ON THE SHELF:

CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of ... Very carefully.

WINE - Should not be confused with salad dressing.

POTATOES - Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

THE GAG TEST - Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB - Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

BREAD - Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.

CEREAL - It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.

FLOUR - Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.

PRETZELS - Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago.

RAISINS - Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.

SALT - It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.

SPICES - Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.

VINEGAR - If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.

EXPIRATION DATES - This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

-- Joke submitted by Elaine Pancost   [Jokes]



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You Know You're Addicted to the Net When...

1. Everyone one of your friends have @ in their names.
2. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
3. Your spouse makes a new rule... Computers don't come to bed.
4. You laugh at people with 2400 modems.
5. You start tilting your head to smile :-)
6. Your phone bill comes to your house in a box.
7. You find your self typing com after every period.
8. You start introducing your self as 'John@internet.com'

-- Joke submitted by RORCA   [Jokes]



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Two medical residents were invited to a costume party after their shift ended. They stopped at the Army/Navy store to see if they could find costumes but only had enough money to buy one pair of fatigues.

But that was okay. One wore the top half and one wore the bottom half ... they went as an upper and lower GI.

-- Joke submitted by gideon   [Jokes]



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