Jokes

Posted on 22 February 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A Spanish patient goes to an English doctor.

Doctor: "What is it that's brought you here?"

Patient: "An ambulance. Why?"

-- Joke submitted by kapalanus   [Jokes]



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On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.

"Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about," said the city slicker, "but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time?"

"Time?" said the farmer. "What does time matter to a pig?"

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money.

Mom said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"

"Uh, oh yeah, OK," responded the kid.

So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.

When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?

Mom said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000"

"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???"

"Don't worry hon," Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"

-- Joke submitted by Irma Mendez   [Jokes]



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Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," one friend says.

"How so?" his friend asks.

"Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me."

"Was that not love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was obsession. And then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."

"Was that not love?"

"No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."

"Was that not love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was motion sickness."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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An angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

"Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"

"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last as long as that."

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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There are two blondes and a brunette on an island. One of the blondes finds a bottle and a genie pops out. The genie says he will grant them one wish each...

The first blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowboat." With a flash, a rowboat appears and she rushes out into the ocean.

The second blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I need jetski."

With a flash, a jetski appears and she rushes out into the ocean, soon overtaking the first blonde.

The genie looks enquiringly toward the brunette, who with raised eyebrows, smiles and says, "Just give me a million dollars, I'll take the bridge."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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How to Have Fun at a Boring Party

1. Speak in a strange foreign accent. when someone asks where you are from, name a country only you can pronounce.

2. Use a different accent every time you talk to someone new.

3. When getting food, pile everything onto your plate in heaping servings - make sure to use your hands!

4. Ask the host, "Who threw this cheesy party, anyway?"

5. Turn cartwheels across the floor. If you can turn a back flip, all the better!

6. Bring a novel and curl up in a corner with it.

7. Cough all over guests, then exclaim, "Doctor says a few more years and I'll be cured..."

8. Hang your head and whisper one-word answers to questions.

9. Play a lullaby on a kazoo during a speech (singing a lullaby works okay, too).

10. If there is music, mix up your dancing: break dance to classical, symphony conductor hand waves to techno music.

11. If you find your former dancing partner dancing with someone else, burst into tears, wailing, "I thought you loved me!" and run from the room.

12. Tell a middle-aged wife, "Your husband seems very happy with that girl in the closet..."

13. Tell a middle aged man, "Your wife seems very happy with that boy in the closet..."

14. Whisper to the guest on your right, "What kind of lame moron actually goes to these parties, anyway?"

15. Bring Lego warships and fighter jets. Wage a war in the middle of the room. Urge other guests to get involved. If you are a historical expert, reenact the revolutionary war, the civil war, world war two, etc.

16. Bring a soccer ball, basketball, football, or baseball. Start a game... in the kitchen.

17. Karate chop everywhere and everything. Yell really, really loud. A few sudden kicks would be worthwhile as well.

18. Wear wool or feathers and sneeze all night. "The doctor says I'm not allergic to anything except sheep and birds..."

19. If someone says the word no to you, say, "How dare you turn down the prince/princess of Ugranialo!"

20. Burst into the room an hour late, sopping wet and screaming, "I've done it! I've found Atlantis!"

21. Pick out the oldest women at the party, run up to her, and exclaim, "Grandmother! it's me, Anastasia!"

22. If it is a summer party in the evening, break into a duet with another guest: "Summer nights". Persuade the host to sing "You're the one that I want," with you.

23. Come in saying, the guy outside in the lab coat is looking for (insert name of host).

-- Joke submitted by Jasmine Voss   [Jokes]



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A man lost in the woods saw a blonde lady who seems lost just like him. "Hello miss, do you know where we are? I think you're lost just like me," says the man.

"Uh, I'm not lost, but you are," answered blonde.

The man was surprised how assuring the blonde answered him. "I'm lost!" said the man, and you are here with me. How can you tell you are not lost?"

"That was 10 years ago," she answered.

-- Joke submitted by Brianna Guta   [Jokes]



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