Jokes

Posted on 10 December 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

At the doctor's office.

- What bothers you?
- I have a bad memory.
- Ok. What else?
- I have a very bad memory.
- What else?!
- And... I have a really bad memory.
- Yes, I understand that you have a bad memory! What else??
- And I have hearing problems.
- What else?
- What did you say?
- What else?!
- Say it again?
- What else?!
- Ah-ah! And I have a bad memory.

-- Joke submitted by makhno   [Jokes]



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Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm gonna become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes, I do!"

"Well, ok, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what are you gonna do?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry and I stick it in his face til he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well then, I takes that whip they all carry, and I flick it at him til he backs down".

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"Well then I take that gun they all carry and I shoot him."

"Well,what if that gun doesn't work?What will you do then?"

"Well then I pick up some of that crap that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no crap on the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, then there's gonna be some crap on the bottom of that cage!"

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pant pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have a damn good explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

"What was that for?" he complained.

"Your dog called last night!"

-- Joke submitted by Betsy Gross   [Jokes]



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A patient visited her doctor.

"Doctor it's been a month sincemy last visit and I still feel miserable."

"Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?"

"Absolutely, the bottle specifically said 'Keep tightly closed'."

-- Joke submitted by Victoria Bartlett   [Jokes]



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Mother's Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 am also.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

-- Joke submitted by Keira Tooker   [Jokes]



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Gilbert: My doctor advised me to exercise with dumbbells.

Thomas: So?

Gilbert: Care to join me in the gym?

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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How do salespeople traditionally greet each other?

"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."

-- Joke submitted by Brakermaker   [Jokes]



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Words of Wisdom

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

-- Joke submitted by U$k   [Jokes]



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