Jokes

Posted on 4 August 2022


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him."

-- Joke submitted by Greg Burlingame   [Jokes]



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The neighbor of a young man was having trouble with her washing machine and asked him to come over and take a look at it.

"I'm not very good at fixing these things," he admitted. "The last time I tried your husband had to buy a new one."

"I know," she replied, smiling.

-- Joke submitted by Elaine   [Jokes]



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A Sunday School teacher was telling the story of the Good Samaritan to her class of 4 and 5 year-olds. She was making it as vivid as possible to keep the children interested in her tale.

At one point, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

-- Joke submitted by Kate Polansky   [Jokes]



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Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank."

After a slight hesitation, she put down: "Piggy."

-- Joke submitted by Janis Ward   [Jokes]



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Words of Wisdom

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Practice safe eating always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

-- Joke submitted by Olenka Krol   [Jokes]



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Points to Ponder

1. Can you cry under water?

2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

3. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

4. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

5. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

6. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

7. Why! is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

8. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

9. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

10. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

11. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

12. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose- fitting clothing. If I had any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

13. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

14. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

15. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

-- Joke submitted by Lool Bo   [Jokes]



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