Jokes

Posted on 22 March 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

An old Jewish couple were having an argument.

Sadie, the Wife: "It's Ha-WAI-i!"

Morris, the Husband: "No, it's Ha-VAI-i!"

Both being extremely stubborn and too proud to look it up, they continued on like this on their way to the grocer's. On their way they bumped into a stranger and decided to finish it once and for all.

Morris: "Hello there. Tell me, please. Is it Ha-WAI-i or Ha-VAI-i?"

The stranger: "Ha-VAI-i."

Morris to Sadie: "See, Sadie? Never doubt me."

Morris to stranger: "Thank you very much."

Stranger: "You're velcome."

-- Joke submitted by SweetLime   [Jokes]



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I love to sleep. It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

-- Joke submitted by Claudine   [Jokes]



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A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and his clothes torn. His brother says, "Man, where have you been?"

"I just got back from burying my mother-in-law."

"How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?"

"She wouldn't lie still!!"

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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Instructions for giving your cat a pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

-- Joke submitted by Xomter   [Jokes]



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Ways To Stay Stressed

Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You'll have no trouble if you practice the following clinically proven methods:

1. Never exercise. Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.

2. Eat anything you want. Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn't likely to.

3. Gain weight. Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.

4. Take plenty of stimulants. The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.

5. Get rid of your social support system. Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.

6. Personalize all criticism. Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don't take time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!

7. Males and females alike be macho. Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!

8. Become a workaholic. Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.

9. Discard good time management skills. Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.

10. Procrastinate. Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress.

11. Worry about things you can't control. Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues.

12. Become not only a perfectionist but set impossibly high standards...and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or inadequate when you don't meet them.

13. Throw out your sense of humor. Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn't be treated as one.

-- Joke submitted by greygoose   [Jokes]



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Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

1. Buster! Come back with that! Bad dog!
2. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
3. Hand me that... that uh... thingie.
4. Well I guess that just about sews it up! Little joke there!
5. Oh no, where's my Rolex?
6. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml. of this stuff before?
7. Who's been sipping from the anesthetic bottle again?
8. Your scalpel-hand is shaking, Johnson.
9. There-go the lights again...
10. Quick! Call the plastic surgeon!
11. Ya know, there's big money in kidneys.
12. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
13. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
14. What's this doing here?
15. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
16. Sterile, schmeril. The floor's clean, right?
17. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
18. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
19. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
20. What do you mean, you want a divorce?
21. Fire! Fire! Everyone get out!
22. Hey!!!! Page 47 of this manual is missing!
23. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?

-- Joke submitted by Roy Forbes   [Jokes]



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Top Ten Ways to Be an annoying Usher

1. Insist on a pants-free environment.

2. Offer guests the opportunity to be included in your plans for world domination.

3. Offer your "services" to all guests.

4. Pretend you are the Phantom of the Opera. Lurk in the shadows when time permits.

5. Urinate in front of each row you are about to open up. Make comments about marking your territory.

6. "March" down the aisle and speak with a German accent as you show people to their seats.

7. Insist on frisking all female guests. Body cavity searches are optional.

8. Two words: "Bathroom Key"

9. Squeeze as many people as you can in each row before opening up the next one. We're going for efficiency here.

10. Show up drunk. I mean REALLY drunk.

-- Joke submitted by clin polin   [Jokes]



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Put More Stress Into Your Life!

1. Refuse to take action on nagging problems. Procrastinate, brood, and if possible, lose some sleep over them.

2. Make a concerted effort to take note of irritations in your life and blow them out of proportion.

3. Consider the power of negative thinking.

4. Hide your sense of humor. Erase the words smile, joke, and laugh from your vocabulary; concentrate on frowning.

5. If you've been working a 60 hour week, try 65 or 70 or 75! Spending more time at work will give you less time to consider how stressed you are.

6. Consume vast quantities of caffeine. As a stimulant it will ensure that you are awake day and night.

7. Practice the art of "hurry up and wait". This means dashing off to join a line-up somewhere - like the bank, cinema, or ticket outlet.

8. Make sure you drive no further than two feet from the car in front.

9. To relieve boredom while waiting for traffic lights, pretend you are on the starting grid for the Indy 500.

10. Never read a book or listen to music.

11. Play "Hide and Seek" by concealing important documents from yourself.

12. Delegate nagging problems. You've proved that you can't deal with them.

13. Tell yourself that your abilities are unlimited. Do not waver from this conviction until you are fired for lack of competence.

14. Giggle nervously. It will make other people nervous, meetings will be unproductive and you won't come away with a long list of things to do.

15. Find a disagreeable tennis partner. Perhaps your spouse.

16. When feeling stressful, breathe deeply and hyperventilate until you pass out.

17. Take up gardening. Nothing can be more stressful if you don't like it.

18. When things are going badly, knock your head against the wall. The resulting headache will supersede the original problem.

-- Joke submitted by makhno   [Jokes]



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