Jokes

Posted on 6 July 2022


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A girl was visiting her friend, who had just acquired two new dogs, and she asked what their names were.

The friend responded by saying one was named Rolex and other one was named Timex.

The girl remarked, "Whoever heard of naming your dog something like that?"

"Hellooooo...," answered the friend. "They're watch dogs!"

-- Joke submitted by Fanny   [Jokes]



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A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by a gas station on a lonely country road.

On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.

"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.

"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responded, "It stands for 'Unleaded Fuel Only'."

-- Joke submitted by Tim Greer   [Jokes]



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An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost.

Finally they came into a city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so they pulled up to the curb, and the lady rolled down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"

The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"

-- Joke submitted by Katarina Belay   [Jokes]



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A man was fishing. After a while another angler came to join him.

"Have you had any bites?" asked the second man.

"Yes, lots," replied the first one, "but they were all mosquitoes."

-- Joke submitted by Paul   [Jokes]



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Ponderables

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

3. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

4. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

5. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in the car he sticks his head out the window.

6. Haver you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

7. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

8. The statistics on sanity are that one of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

9. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.

10. I'm pretty sure that 'bingo' is better than logic but I can't prove it.

-- Joke submitted by BadStudent   [Jokes]



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This is a list of fun things professors can do for fun on the
first day of class.

1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange
gurgling noises.

2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class
for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that
yesterday was the last day to drop.

3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and
scream "MY PACEMAKER!"

4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding
crop.

5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a
student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks
you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The
Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy."

7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat,
hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give
the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"

8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their
responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade
book while muttering "tsk, tsk."

9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird."

10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the
class whether your butt looks fat.

11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus
class. Giggle throughout it.

13. Announce "you'll need this," and write the suicide prevention
hotline number on the board.

14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore
all questions.

15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's
"Sex Machine."

16. Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering
Simps would know," and move on before anyone can answer.

17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local
phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be
a quiz.

18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals
ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

19. Address students as "worm."

20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based
on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could
happen at any moment.

21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and
begin singing spirituals.

22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill
out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each
student's name, rank, and serial number.

24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and
announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.

25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone
asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis
song.

26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into
space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume
your sentence and proceed normally.

27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When
someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make
throttling motions with your hands.

28. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.

29. Growl constantly and address students as "matey."

30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite
numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove."

31. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their
class projects.

32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and
code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format
statements.

33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named
"Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot." Whenever someone asks a
question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll it be,
McGee?"

34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles."

35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a
base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named
after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail
students who don't use it.

36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at
irregular intervals.

37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the
teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and
office hours.

38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while
you lecture.

39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial
breaks" every ten minutes.

41. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or
"fake the funk."

42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and
deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to
oral hygiene.

44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica
will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on
Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

45. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup
sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade
book.

46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on
your tie.

47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your
class.

49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise
students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter
something about "that bug I picked up in the field."

50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are
you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"

-- Joke submitted by kassandra   [Jokes]



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