Jokes

Posted on 19 August 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Two women were sitting on the front porch of the farm house when they saw a rooster chasing a hen. The hen ran straight into the road and was killed by a passing car.

One of the women sighed, "How beautiful. She'd rather die."

-- Joke submitted by makhno   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but didn't like each other much. Once, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it. So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the window ledge the longest with a bare ass.

After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob, "What are you doing?"

Bob explained and she said, "Come on... you will only freeze your ass off."

Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet.

Then his wife got an idea. "Let's change places when Joe is looking the other way."

Bob's wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and traded places with Bob.

Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him, "What are you doing?"

Joe told her and said, "I am determined to win the bottle!"

"You are crazy. Come on in."

"Certainly not, I am already on the winning side. Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!"

-- Joke submitted by pilate   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A mushroom walked into a dance club and asked this girl to dance.

She replied, "Are you kidding? You are a mushroom!"

And the mushroom replied, "Oh come on. I am a FUN GUY!"

-- Joke submitted by zarrap   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Things Your Mother Would Never Say

Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.

Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.

That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.

Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.

The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.

Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?

Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.

-- Joke submitted by Rebecca   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say

1. Let's watch Lifetime.

2. Sex is overrated.

3. I don't want to go too far on the first date.

4. Yes, your sister does have bigger breasts than you.

5. Don't we owe your mother a visit?

6. I'm relieved I don't have a large penis weighing me down.

7. Dessert goes right to my hips.

8. I hate when I miss Oprah.

9. Does this suit make me look fat?

10. I'll never get tired of listening to Dido.

-- Joke submitted by Brian Westbrook   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A hunter saves an Indian chief being chased by a grizzly bear in the woods. The chief invites the hunter back to his camp to celebrate and reward the hunter for saving his life.

At the celebration, the Indian chief says to the hunter, "I have a special surprise for you: 500 of my prettiest Indian maidens. You look at all of them and choose one. She will be your wife."

The chief clapped his hands and 500 young, beautiful Indian maidens appeared, topless, before them. With closer inspection, the hunter notices that none of them have nipples on their breasts.

"Why don't these maidens have nipples on their breasts?" he asks the chief.

The chief turns to the hunter with surprise, "What, you've never heard of the Indian Nipple-less 500?"

-- Joke submitted by zuzu   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Top 16 Signs Your Waitress Is Nuts

1. Easily confused -- instead of a BLT, she brings you LBJ.

2. Swears she can see her reflection in your mashed potatoes.

3. She claims that you remind her of Elvis, then goes berserk when you don't leave a Cadillac for a tip.

4. Has Today's Specials tattooed on her ass.

5. Insists you order in Pig Latin.

6. No matter what you order, all you get is flan.

7. Insists you order off of the Unabomber manifesto.

8. For an appetizer, she administers the Heimlich manuver, "just in case."

9. When you order fries, she asks, "You want fries with that?"

10. Always forgets to serve scalding soup directly into Howard Stern's crotch.

11. Hands you a flaregun and says, "Just fire up one of these if you need anything else, Hon."

12. Tells you about the specials using interpretive dance.

13. Uses your tortillas as dress shields.

14. When you order the Pad Thai, she loudly replies, "Gladys don't speak no Eye-talian!"

15. Despite the snug Hooters shirt, the ZZTop beard makes her awful damn unattractive.

16. That pea soup looks mighty good spewing out of her spinning head.

-- Joke submitted by Lavinatri   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Pick-Up Lines

1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.

3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."]

4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?

6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?

9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

10. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.

11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."

12. Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?

13. Can I flirt with you?

14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.

15. [Look at his/her shirt label.] When they say, "What are you doing?":

Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
OR:
Checking to see if you're the right size.

16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.

17. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?

19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.

20. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?

21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?

22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese alert!]

23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

25. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.

26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

27. So... How am I doin'?

28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?

29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.

30. Say, that's a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing]. Can I talk you out of it?

31. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

32. I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.

33. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?

34. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.

35. [Regard their outfit] Gee, that's becoming on you, if you wore me, I'd be coming on you too.

-- Joke submitted by Ben Ward   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5