Jokes

Posted on 17 October 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Teacher: "Can someone tell me what an 'operetta' is?"

Student: "Easy. It's a woman who works for the phone company."

-- Joke submitted by Lara Koch   [Jokes]



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During break time at obedience school, two dogs were talking.

One said to the other, "The thing I hate about obedience school is having to learn all this stuff we'll never use in the real world."

-- Joke submitted by Hanna Walczak   [Jokes]



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Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies ... "No matter what!"

On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"

The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks. Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop two inches from the cup.

"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"

The man gave him a wry smile, "Your 7 iron!"

-- Joke submitted by Owen   [Jokes]



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Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English. One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired.

He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try."

-- Joke submitted by Tom Glane   [Jokes]



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Patrick, an oil worker, is on a job in Alaska up on the North Slope. It's 40-below zero one winter night and Patrick is imbibing at his local saloon.

The bartender says to him, "Patrick, you owe me quite a bit on your tab."

"Sure, but I'm flat broke this week."

"That's OK. I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall."

"But I don't want any of my friends to see that."

"They won't. I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Bob was was taking Sue out on their first date. When he picked her up at her house, he was most gentlemanly and chivalrous.

At dinner, the two enjoyed each others' company immensely and were having a wonderful first date.

Bob's attentive ways spilled right over into their trip to the movie theater.

A few minutes into the film Bob asked Sue, "Can you see, dear?"

Sue answered, "Yes, I can see fine."

A few seconds passed and Bob asked, "Is your seat comfortable?"

Sue responded, "Yes, it's extremely comfortable."

Moments later Bob asked, "Is there a draft on you?"

Sue, impressed with Bob's attentiveness, said, "No, I feel no draft at all."

Upon hearing her answer to his final question, Bob replied, "Great. Let's switch seats."

-- Joke submitted by Brakermaker   [Jokes]



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Taxes One-Liners

Nothing has done more to stimulate the writing of fiction than the itemized deduction section of the income-tax forms.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf.

People who squawk about their income tax can be divided into two classes: men and women.

The average man knows as much about the atomic bomb as he does about his income-tax form.

Income taxes are not so bad and certainly could be worse. Suppose we had to pay on what we think we are worth?

George Washington never told a lie, but then he never had to file a Form 1040.

What the present income-tax form needs is a section which would explain the explanations.

When making out your income-tax report, be sure you don't overlook your most expensive dependent - the government.

It has almost reached the point where, if a person takes a day off, he falls behind in his income-tax payments.

Income-tax forms are nothing more than the government's quiz program.

Some of us can recall the day when a person who had to pay income tax was considered to be wealthy.

No stretch of the imagination is as complete as the one used in filling out income-tax forms.

Income tax is the fine you pay for thriving so fast.

We wouldn't mind paying income tax if we could know which country it's going to.

Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list Uncle Sam as a dependent.

In 1913 Uncle Sam collected only 13 million dollars in income taxes. That's why they were called the "good old days."

The guy who said that truth never hurts never had to fill out a Form 1040.

Come to think of it, these income-tax forms leave little to the imagination and even less to the taxpayer.

Just thinking about income taxes often taxes the mind - which is something people once said the IRS couldn't do.

Making out your own income tax return is something like a do-it-yourself mugging.

-- Joke submitted by Danny Doplin   [Jokes]



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50 Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream, "Oh my! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darned thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over and over again.

7. Work normally for awhile. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type for awhile. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes about everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Stand on your chair and yell, "Help! There's a mouse." as you point to the computer's mouse.

16. Every time you press return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!"

18. Turn the brightness on the monitor way down. Pull out a flash light and shine it on the screen. Act as if it helps you see the text on the screen.

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a (wo)man on a piece of paper and tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that (wo)men are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge in the 3.5 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for awhile, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them, and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British royal family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice and make it look like the computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ex. the delete key is A flat). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard, and taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does your delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until, you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRR!" Peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week."

50. Bring a sleeping bag and pillow. Login to all the machines in one row. Lay down and go to sleep.

-- Joke submitted by TheWhiteRabbit   [Jokes]



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