Jokes

Posted on 19 October 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.

One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

-- Joke submitted by Gideon   [Jokes]



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Philosophies

1. Always take the time to smell the roses...and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

2. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek...nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

3. If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

4. It's always darkest before dawn...so if you're gonna steal the neighbors newspaper, that's the time to do it.

5. It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown...and fewer still to ignore someone completely.

6. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked up into jet engines.

7. I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis.

10. It takes a big man to cry...but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

11. When I'm feeling down I like to whistle...it makes my neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

-- Joke submitted by Run run run   [Jokes]



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Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancey Street one day wishing something wonderful would change his life, when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk... vus machst du...yeah, du...outside, standing like a schlemiel...eh?"

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."

Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said, "Vus? Ir kent reddin Yiddish?"

Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"

"Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"

In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America, about how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride, about his family, about his years of working in the garment center, about Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. Finally, they both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do it too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven, so Meyer taught him how read Hebrew, and taught him every prayer in the Siddur with the appropriate nussach for the daily services. Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah, Mishnah and Gemara. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.

On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a sight when they arrived at the Shul, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor, who refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days. However, Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven.

Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even money) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.

All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"

Nothing.

"Daven...feigelleh, please! You can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!"

Nothing.

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home quite upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Shul, the bird, happy as a lark, began to sing an old Yiddish song. Meyer stopped and looked at him.

"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin, taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"

"Don't be a schlemiel," the parrot replied. "You know what odds we'll get for Yom Kippur?!"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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A surgeon was checking on a patient who had a hernia operation three days before. The doctor asked the man why he had not gotten out of bed.

"I hurt," the man said. "You don't know how it feels."

"I know exactly how it feels," the doctor said. "I had the same procedure last month, and I was back at work two days later. There's no difference in our operations."

"Oh yes there is," said the patient. "You had a different surgeon."

-- Joke submitted by Zamember   [Jokes]



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A Pittsburgh steel worker was driving through northern California's apple country. He stopped at an orchard and asked the owner, "How much are yer apples?"

"All you can pick for one dollar," said the rancher.

"Okay," said the Pennsylvanian. "I'll take two dollars' worth."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and his clothes torn. His brother says, "Man, where have you been?"

"I just got back from burying my mother-in-law."

"How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?"

"She wouldn't lie still!!"

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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Into a Belfast pub comes Raditz, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Raditz.

"That little twirp, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Raditz, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Raditz... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

-- Joke submitted by Simon Belt   [Jokes]



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How To Know You're Growing Old

1. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
2. Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
3. You get winded playing chess.
4. You look forward to a dull evening.
5. You turn out the light for economic rather then romantic reasons.
6. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
7. Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
8. Dialing long distance wears you out.
9. Your back goes out more than you do.
10. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
11. A fortune teller offers to read your face.
12. You got too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
13. Your children look middle aged.
14. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

-- Joke submitted by hitcher   [Jokes]



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