Jokes

Posted on 22 January 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Ten Dog Rules

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3. Okay, fine, the dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only!

9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

-- Joke submitted by Monica C.   [Jokes]



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One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man:

"Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business there and it is very important for me. Here you have 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"

So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said he fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man:

"Are you stupid or something? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn't, so I want my money back!"

While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were also in the train were looking at them, so one turns to the other and says to him:

Man 1: "Look at this guy! He is mad!"

Man 2: "Yeah! He's almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in Mannheim."

-- Joke submitted by Tambre   [Jokes]



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While Kathy is at her friend's house it starts to rain very heavily. Her friend tells her to spend the night at her house and go home the next day.

When she hears this, Kathy rushes out the door and comes back a while later totally drenched and carrying a small, soggy paper bag.

So her friend asks, "Where did you run off too?"

"I went home to get my pajamas!"

-- Joke submitted by Vanessa   [Jokes]



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The man hurried into the building, entered the elevator and asked to be taken to the sixth floor.

"We have no sixth floor," said the operator, "Only five."

"Okay," said the man "Take me up to the third floor twice."

-- Joke submitted by Drew   [Jokes]



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A wild-eyed man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed,

"Doctor, I need your help right away."

"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch and tell me your problem."

"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power - everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."

"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"

"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."

-- Joke submitted by Antony Evans   [Jokes]



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How to Lie to the Bathroom Scale

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner... as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.

4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off ... to your advantage.

5. Always go to the bathroom first.

6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.

7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.

8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).

9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?).

10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

-- Joke submitted by keepsmiling   [Jokes]



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A husband took his wife camping for the first time. Considering himself an experienced outdoorsman, he passed along outdoor survival tips at every chance he got. However, one day they got lost hiking in the deep woods. The husband tried the usual tactics to determine direction -- moss on the trees, direction of the sun, etc., etc.

Just as his wife was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led them right back to the campsite.

"That was terrific," she said. "How did you do it?"

"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country all the TV satellite dishes point south."

-- Joke submitted by Ed Simonovich   [Jokes]



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Dieting is a Weigh of Life

1. It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.

2. The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.

3. The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.

4. An excellent way to lose weight is by skipping... snacks and dessert.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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