Jokes

Posted on 22 January 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A woman is breaking up with her fiance. She tells him, "I can't marry you. My feelings for you have changed."

The man says, "OK, I want my ring back."

The woman says, "I can't give it back to you. My feelings for the ring haven't changed".

-- Joke submitted by Lucy   [Jokes]



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Barber: "And how old are you, little man?"

Fred: "Eight."

Barber: "And do you want a haircut?"

Fred: "Well, I certainly didn't come in for a shave!"

-- Joke submitted by Maggie   [Jokes]



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Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one.

"Me too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one.

"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun.

No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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The things that drive a sane person mad

1. You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

2. The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

3. The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

4. There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

5. You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

6. There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

7. You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

8. Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.

9. A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

10. There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.

11. You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

12. The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

13. A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling (or braces).

14. You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.

15. The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

16. You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

17. People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

18. Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

19. You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

20. You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.

21. You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.

22. You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

-- Joke submitted by hitman   [Jokes]



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You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When:

You ski uphill.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You answer the door before people knock.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You just completed your third sweater today, and you don't know how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is in an earthquake.

You lick your coffee pot clean.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

People get dizzy just watching you.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

You can outlast the Energizer Bunny.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

You don't tan, you roast.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

-- Joke submitted by Sam Kurtis   [Jokes]



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Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.

She responded, "It's the best way I can learn which ones I can do without."

-- Joke submitted by Vanessa   [Jokes]



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One Liners

I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me", and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

-- Joke submitted by RORCA   [Jokes]



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Shopping!

1. Get it now. Tomorrow it might be gone.
2. If it's on sale, you need it.
3. Never ask your mother her opinion.
4. You can always take it back.
5. You'll grow into it.
6. By the time you need it, you'll lose ten pounds.
7. Never believe anyone who says, "It's really you".
8. If they're working on commission, they're lying.
9. Know when to yell, "Charge!"
10. So many malls, so little time.
11. If you put it on your credit card, it's not really spending money.
12. Always try to spend someone else's money first.
13. There's no such thing as compulsive shopping, just enthusiastic shopping.
14. Shopping is patriotic. It's good for the economy.
15. If you've still got checks, there must be money in the account.
16. You can always get more credit.
17. If you want it, you deserve it.

-- Joke submitted by VeggieQueen   [Jokes]



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