Jokes

Posted on 14 August 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A jealous guy caught his girlfriend talking quietly on the phone and immediately confronted her over his suspicions.

"Who was that you were talking to?" he demanded. "Is there somebody else?"

"Of course not," she groaned. "Do you honestly think I'd be going out with a loser like you if there was somebody else?"

-- Joke submitted by Diana   [Jokes]



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Harry: I lost my pet iguana.

Tony: Why don't you put an ad in the paper?

Harry: What good would that do? He can't read.

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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A hillbilly woman was asked by the town banker to open a bank account. She declined, saying, "I keep my money safe to the house."

The banker said, "You've got four strapping sons. Don't they try to get at your bankroll once in a while?"

The hillbilly woman said, "I keep it where they won't find it."

"Where would that be?"

"Under the soap!"

-- Joke submitted by Elaine   [Jokes]



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Applicant-Speak

What job applicants really mean on their applications and resumes and in employment interviews.

"I know how to deal with stressful situations."
Really means: "I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks."

"I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication and organizational skills."
Really means: "I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do."

"I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization."
Really means: "I've used Microsoft Office."

"I'm honest, hard-working and dependable."
Really means: "I pilfer office supplies."

"My pertinent work experience includes..."
Really means: "I hope you don't ask me about all the jobs I've had."

"I take pride in my work."
Really means: "I blame others for my mistakes."

"I'm balanced and centered."
Really means: "I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room."

"I have a sense of humor."
Really means: "I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly."

"I'm personable."
Really means: "I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers."

"I'm willing to relocate."
Really means: "As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better."

"I'm extremely professional."
Really means: "I carry a Day-Timer."

"My background and skills match your requirements."
Really means: "You're probably looking for someone more experienced."

"I am adaptable."
Really means: "I've changed jobs a lot."

"I am on the go."
Really means: "I'm never at my desk."

"I'm highly motivated to succeed."
Really means: "The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there."

"I have formal training."
Really means: "I'm a college drop-out."

"I interact well with co-workers."
Really means: "I've been accused of sexual harassment."

"Thank you for your time and consideration."
Really means: "Wait! Don't throw me away!"

"I look forward to hearing from you soon."
Really means: "Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career."

-- Joke submitted by fausinger   [Jokes]



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A printer consists of 3 main parts:

1. The case
2. The jammed paper tray
3. The blinking red light.

-- Joke submitted by Kaataa   [Jokes]



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They met on the Internet -- it was love at first site.

-- Joke submitted by tar-tar   [Jokes]



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Some ways to stir up fun in the office

1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

3. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

4. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."

5. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

6. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

7. Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

8. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

9. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

10. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11. Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

12. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN".

13. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

14. Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that!".

-- Joke submitted by kerchingent   [Jokes]



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You Might Be A Physics Major If...

1. It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

2. The "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.

3. You are completely addicted to caffeine.

4. You can translate English into Binary.

5. You can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."

6. You chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."

7. You consider ANY non-science course "easy."

8. You frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."

9. You have a pet named after a scientist.

10. You have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.

11. You have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.

12. You hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.

13. You know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.

14. You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

15. You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

16. You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

17. You understood more than five of these indicators.

-- Joke submitted by Betty Green   [Jokes]



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