Jokes

Posted on 23 July 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store.

Pete says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."

The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment ... then you don't make another payment for six months."

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says, "Who told you about us?"

-- Joke submitted by Esther Finlay   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Jack: "My brother was sick and went to the doctor."

John: "Is he feeling better now?"

Jack: "No, he has a broken arm."

John: "How did he break it?"

Jack: "Well, the doctor gave him a prescription and told him no matter what happened, to follow that prescription. And the prescription blew out of the window."

John: "How did he break his arm?"

Jack: "He fell out of the window trying to follow the prescription."

-- Joke submitted by Doug Lanning   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Ted: I had the worst dream last night. I dreamed I ate a 2-ton marshmallow.

Steve: What's wrong with that?

Ted: When I woke up my pillow was gone.

-- Joke submitted by Gomalzo   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.

She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification?"

He replied without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."

"How come?" asked the woman.

"Crooks don't buy peat moss," answered the clerk.

-- Joke submitted by Alyssa Wilson   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Insignificant thoughts

1. Isn't it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively stupid?

2. I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to shut up.

3. To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn?

4. Only in America would people pay $69.95 for a toaster-oven that automatically burns your frozen waffle.

5. My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can't think.

6. You know, you can really get wet playing games in that new Pentium-VI dishwasher.

7. If you recall childhood, you may remember that the kids who stuck straws and cigarettes up their noses back then seemed funnier than the ones who stick earrings in their noses today.

8. The NFL is boring, the NBA is disintegrating, baseball is totally predictable. Maybe we do need the XFL. Maybe we need Nude Roller Derby. Maybe we need Sumo Hockey.

9. There's just something wonderful about a cold, clear winter morning that makes you want to slow down and take time to stop and smell some hot diesel exhaust.

10. One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator.

11. I read the newspaper every day just to see if there's anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads.

12. Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what?

13. Instead of building millionaires a new arena for their basketball team, why couldn't the city fill in a few potholes?

14. Does anyone know? If you voted for the winning congressional candidate, can you take all your campaign promises in one lump sum?

15. I encourage my children to read the newspaper, but they're holding out for a remote that turns the pages.

-- Joke submitted by parshant   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

-- Joke submitted by Ben Ward   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


The Top 17 Indications Your Fiance Is About To Dump You

1. Now refers to you as "The Dipshit formerly known as Sweetie Pie."

2. She starts spending long weekends with Jason Patric.

3. You ask him to pass the salt and he screams: "It's always about YOU and YOUR needs, isn't it? YOU'RE SUFFOCATING ME!"

4. The Bridal Registry includes Jacoby and Meyers.

5. Insists that the wedding date be set after President Perot is inaugurated and that the invitations be written in pencil.

6. Well, somebody ratted you to the SPCA for your illegal ferret farm.

7. The look on her face when she catches you in her wedding gown lip-synching to ABBA songs.

8. Constant complaining that Wedding date conflicts with Wrestlemania XIX.

9. Engagement ring now being used as nose ring.

10. Can't bring herself to say "wedding" without throwing in "schmedding."

11. Cosmo cover article, "Getting Rid of That Loser," written by you-know-who.

12. Takes you to dinner in U-Haul, asks the band to play "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover," then leaves to "get wallet."

13. Despite his earlier promises, he *does* kick you out of bed for eating crackers.

14. When you ask her to sign the release forms to appear on The Newlywed Game, she says, "Not so fast, Chester!"

15. That ad he's running to sell his old ski boots begins, "If you like pina coladas, and gettin' caught in the rain..."

16. As a topic of conversation, your mother's beard is no longer off-limits.

17. On her last conjugal visit, she was sporting a tattoo of somebody else's bass boat.

-- Joke submitted by Eddie   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


"Whom would you like to invite for your upcoming wedding ceremony?" Father asked his son.

"All except you and mom," the son replied.

"But why?" Father angrily shouted.

"Had you bothered to invite me for your ceremony?!" the son pleaded.

-- Joke submitted by k_grek   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5