Jokes

Posted on 13 October 2021


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.

But it also lit up her arm, too!

Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

-- Joke submitted by Ann Curtis   [Jokes]



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Teacher: "History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past."

Student: "Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history."

Teacher: "Why?"

Student: "There is no future in it."

-- Joke submitted by Serena Orme   [Jokes]



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- Born?
- Yes, sir.
- Where?
- Russia.
- What part?
- All of me.
- Why did you leave Russia?
- I couldn't bring it with me.
- Where were your forefathers born?
- I only got one father.
- Your business?
- Rotten.

-- Joke submitted by Yuri Korovin   [Jokes]



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Carlos: "He's played his last practical joke."

Manuel: "How so?"

Carlos: "Just before he died, he left his brain to science."

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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Shopping!

1. Get it now. Tomorrow it might be gone.
2. If it's on sale, you need it.
3. Never ask your mother her opinion.
4. You can always take it back.
5. You'll grow into it.
6. By the time you need it, you'll lose ten pounds.
7. Never believe anyone who says, "It's really you".
8. If they're working on commission, they're lying.
9. Know when to yell, "Charge!"
10. So many malls, so little time.
11. If you put it on your credit card, it's not really spending money.
12. Always try to spend someone else's money first.
13. There's no such thing as compulsive shopping, just enthusiastic shopping.
14. Shopping is patriotic. It's good for the economy.
15. If you've still got checks, there must be money in the account.
16. You can always get more credit.
17. If you want it, you deserve it.

-- Joke submitted by VeggieQueen   [Jokes]



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The Top 15 Hassles of Being a Cult Leader

1. Don't get to pick who will play you in Movie of the Week after you're dead.

2. Do you think there's a "Self-Appointed Son of God" discount at the movies? Well I'll tell you, pal, there's not.

3. Between grappling with the mysteries of the universe, deflowering new child-brides, and dodging phone calls from Reno, you can't keep track of your soaps!

4. Swastika on forehead makes getting good service at the deli a little dicey.

5. When the crowds disperse, the repeated chanting of your name is left behind and your mom calls to remind you that you're really just an inconsiderate slob who can't even remember the birthday of the woman who nurtured him in the womb for nine long months.

6. After you 'let' them live at your compound and give you all of their money, they expect to be fed, too!

7. Requests to FBI to play something "more danceable" on siege loudspeakers are constantly ignored.

8. Having to show ID after signing checks "The Messiah."

9. Those annoying, cute teenage girls who don't give a damn about your self-made religion but just want to sleep with you all the time.

10. That damned Kevorkian always gets to your followers before you can.

11. The FBI cuts the cable off during seiges.

12. Getting snubbed in the debates was bad enough, but when your own followers start to call you "a short, big-eared, maniacal crackpot" it *really* pisses you off.

13. Marrying 31 wives and doing the math on the PMS schedule.

14. Finding able disciples who can recruit rich, attractive young women as well as today's political operatives do.

15. Keeping out of the news.

-- Joke submitted by Eddie   [Jokes]



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