Jokes

Posted on 25 June 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Pamela: "You're half an hour late. I've been standing here like a fool."

Candance: "I can't help how you stand."

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


"I've got a stomachache."

"That's because you haven't eaten. Your stomach is empty, that's why it hurts."

"Oh, is that why you have all those headaches?"

-- Joke submitted by Simon Stubb   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A little boy was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. "If you had ten dollars," said the teacher, "and I asked you for the loan of five dollars, how many dollars would you have left?"

"Ten," said young boy firmly.

"Ten?" the teacher said "How do you make it ten?"

"Well," replied the young student, "You can ask for a loan of five dollars, but that doesn't mean you will get it."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Conductor to orchestra at the beginning of a rehearsal:

"Please get your pencils out, we have some marking to do on this score: The first two bars are in 3/4, not 4/4 as written. Next, in the 5th bar, change it to 7/8 and this remains to the end. Now, in bar 7 we lower the pitch 1/2 step. In bar 13, lower the pitch one whole step and this will remain to the end. Thank you. Now, let us begin."

Soprano soloist: "Excuse me, Maestro. What would you like for me to change?"

Conductor: "Nothing at all madam. Just sing it exactly as you did yesterday."

-- Joke submitted by MrGold   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


The teacher was telling the story of Christoper Columbus and how many thought that the world was flat. Then she had mentioned that the world was really round and got interrupted...

"Miss Smith, the world is square, not round," said Johnny.

"No, it's round Johnny. Who told you it was square?" replied the teacher.

"My older brother. He claims he's been to all 4 corners of the earth."

-- Joke submitted by Elaine Pancost   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A patient visited her doctor.

"Doctor it's been a month sincemy last visit and I still feel miserable."

"Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?"

"Absolutely, the bottle specifically said 'Keep tightly closed'."

-- Joke submitted by Victoria Bartlett   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks, "What do two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies, "Four."

The interviewer asks, "Four, exactly?"

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question: "What do two plus two equal?"

The accountant says, "On average, four give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question, "What do two plus two equal?"

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, "What do you want it to equal?"

An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy.

-- Joke submitted by Keith Zheng   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Definitions

It may help to say the word out loud and slowly...

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-avoy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did after his bag was full of loot.

Misty \miss'-tee\: How golfers create divots.

Paradox \par'-of-docks\: Two physicians.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.

Primate \pri'-mate\: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief \ree-leaf'\: What trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress \seem'-stress\: Describes 200 pounds in a size six.

Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued \some-dood'\: Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

Sudafed \soo'-da-fed\: Bringing litigation against a government official.

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5