Jokes

Posted on 25 June 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the pub is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The man responds, at the top of his lungs, "No I will not pay $200!"

-- Joke submitted by Mike Greco   [Jokes]



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Once, there was 3 Chinese people who wanted to go to America. Their names were Bu, Chu, and Fu.

Since these names would sound awfully weird, Bu said, "I'll change me name to Buck, adding ck to the end."

Chu then said, "Then I'll become Chuck."

After a long pause, Fu said, "I guess I'll go back to China."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself, as a man and joined the army.

"But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"

"Sure," replied the man.

"Well, won't they find out?"

"And who's gonna tell?"

-- Joke submitted by Wayne Gole   [Jokes]



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A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying "5 boxes for a dollar."

Well, the woman just could not believe this price so she asks the clerk if it was correct.

He said, "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."

She said, "That can't be right!"

The clerk says, "Oh yes, it's right!! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."

-- Joke submitted by Victoria   [Jokes]



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25 Fun Pool Activities

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.

2) Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.

3) Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.

4) Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.

5) Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.

6) Hit strangers with your flutter board.

7) Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.

8) Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, "Oh yeah.. oooh that feels soooo good.."

9) Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.

10) Swim near someone and go "Shoot! I knew I shouldn't have had so much lemonade before I came here."

11) Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.

12) Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say "HA HA, fooled you!"

13) Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.

14) Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

15) Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.

16) Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

17) Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

18) Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

19) When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.

20) Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say "Wheee! I'm Batman!" while running around.

21) Hit strangers with your wet towel.

22) Throw people's things into the pool.

23) Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.

24) Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

25) Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

-- Joke submitted by Grandpappy   [Jokes]



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A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived, he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite beautiful and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 5:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time?"

-- Joke submitted by Trevor Nez   [Jokes]



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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

-- Joke submitted by Ella Dowling   [Jokes]



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Two little boys were arguing.

"My father is better than your father!"

"No he's not!"

"My brother is better than your brother!"

"No he's not!"

"My mother is better than your mother!"

The second boy paused. "Well I guess you've got me there. My father says the same thing."

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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