Jokes

Posted on 21 January 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A wee Belfast boy came home from school in tears.

"What's the matter, son?" asked his mammy.

"We were doing sums today, Mammy," he said.

"And were they too hard?"

"Well, the teacher said either I either couldn't count, or I was stupid, or maybe all three."

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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A publicity man had bought himself a new computer and was crawling under the desk with an extension cord, trying to plug it in. One of his clients came in and caught him in the act.

The client laughed and quipped, "You press agents are always looking for a plug!"

-- Joke submitted by Danny   [Jokes]



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As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the base where he was working.

Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the wife was upstairs and the husband was downstairs on the telephone. He was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet his neighbor.

"Give this to your wife," he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into his hands. "She's been yelling for it for 20 minutes!"

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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A man in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He keeps throwing it into the air, where the wind catches it for a few seconds before it comes crashing down. Watching him from the kitchen window, his wife mutters how men have to be told how to do everything. So she opens the window and yells, "You need more tail!"

He shouts back, "Make up your mind! Last night you told me to go fly a kite."

-- Joke submitted by Xter   [Jokes]



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A man was driving along the road when all of a sudden he has to swerve to avoid a box falling off the lorry in front.

Seconds later a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. As the policeman starting writing the ticket he noticed the box was full of nails and tacks.

"I had to serve or I'd have run over those and blown my tyres!" protested the driver.

"Ok," replied the officer, ripping up the ticket, "but I'm still bringing you in."

"What for?" retorted the man.

"Tacks evasion," answered the policeman.

-- Joke submitted by Benneton   [Jokes]



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Inventions Which Did Not Succeed

1. The water-proof towel
2. Glow in the dark sunglasses
3. Solar powered flashlights
4. Submarine screen doors
5. A book on how to read
6. Inflatable dart boards
7. A dictionary index
8. Mechanical pencil sharpeners
9. Powdered water
10. Waterproof tea bags
11. The helicopter ejector seat
12. The cordless extension cord

-- Joke submitted by Brenda   [Jokes]



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Top 45 Oxymorons

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

-- Joke submitted by Vicky   [Jokes]



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Taxes One-Liners

Ambition in America is still rewarded... with high taxes.

America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer.

Americans are now in a daze from intaxication.

There was a time when $1000.00 was the down-payment on a car; now it's the sales tax.

If my business gets much worse, I won't have to lie on my next tax return.

Drive carefully. Uncle Sam needs every taxpayer he can get.

Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.

There is no child so bad that he/she can't be used as an income tax deduction.

Congress does some strange things - it puts a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink.

The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is not to do away with them, but to hide them better.

Congress has the unsolved problem of how to get the people to pay taxes they can't afford for services they don't need.

Every year around April 15 Americans have a rendezvous with debt.

The rich and the poor are alike - they both complain about taxes.

A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until income tax time.

Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.

Nothing makes a person more modest about their income than to fill out a tax form.

I hate junk mail... and that includes the tax forms they send me.

Income tax is Uncle Sam's version of "Truth or Consequences."

An income-tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

About the time a man is cured of swearing, another income tax is due.

-- Joke submitted by Danny Doplin   [Jokes]



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