Jokes

Posted on 19 September 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A traveling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed a very charming bit of femininity giving him the eye. In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life.
Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and Mrs.

After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out. The clerk presented him with his bill for $1600.

"There is a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only three days."

"Yes," replied the clerk, "But your wife has been here a month."

-- Joke submitted by Jo Trevor   [Jokes]



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A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.

After looking it over, he said to her, "Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses."

"Well, I have contacts," the woman replied.

"Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the officer. "You're getting a ticket."

-- Joke submitted by Frank Coyle   [Jokes]



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A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"

"Yes, it is," came the reply.

"Thank God! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."

-- Joke submitted by Pinkerton   [Jokes]



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A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. When the other frogs saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead.

The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died.

The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die.

He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?"

The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.

This story teaches two lessons:

1. There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day.

2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them.

Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path. The power of words... It is sometimes hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way.

Anyone can speak words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in difficult times. Special is the individual who will take the time to encourage another.

-- Joke submitted by Rani Andrew   [Jokes]



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A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.

He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition."

In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction."

Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.

And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication."

Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.

He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long subtraction!"

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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An Irishman finds a sandwich in the gutter with two red wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says, "Help me, bejesus. I've found a sandwich that looks like a bomb!"

The operator says, "Is it ticking?"

He replies, "No, I tink it's beef!"

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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Some Time-Wasting Thoughts

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that, no matter what color of bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot'?

Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top you always think there's still one more step?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened?

If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?

Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?

Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no sense in two people remembering the same things right?

Is the real reason women live longer then men because they don't have to live with women?

-- Joke submitted by Vure   [Jokes]



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Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a youngster if it was deep.

"No," replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found that he and his horse had to swim for their lives.

When the traveller reached the other side he turned and shouted: "I thought you said it wasn't deep?"

"It isn't," was the reply; "it only takes grandfather's ducks up to their middles!"

-- Joke submitted by Kate Polansky   [Jokes]



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