Jokes

Posted on 19 February 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to 'enforce the laws pending.' He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?"

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?"

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?"

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?"

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said, "You're so smart, YOU tell me!"

-- Joke submitted by Pinkerton   [Jokes]



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Q: What's the difference between "oooh" and "ahhhh?"

A: About four inches.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

The woman wrote: "When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Sam and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical sex with one another."

And Sam wrote: "I love sex."

-- Joke submitted by k_grek   [Jokes]



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A rather well-proportioned woman, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing.

She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long.

She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there, she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.

She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard someone running up the stairs toward the roof.

Startled, she didn't have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

"The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday."

"Yesterday!" she exclaimed, rather irritated..."Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make anyway, since no one can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel."

"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man, "except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight."

-- Joke submitted by Eddie Bert   [Jokes]



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A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment.

"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty blonde receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor."

"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."

"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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Learning English

1. Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: ‘Maria likes me, but cheese fat.’

2. Mushroom
When all of my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.

3. Shoulder
My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I Shoulder.

4. Texas
My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

5. Herpes
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.

6. July
Ju told me ju were going to that store and July to me! ‘Julyer!’

7. Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. Juarez
One day my gramma slapped me and I said, ‘ Juarez your problem?’

9. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

10. Wheelchair
We only have one enchalada left, but don’t worry, wheelchair.

11. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

12. Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her, honey, harassment nothing to me.

13. Bishop
My wife fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the bishop.

14. Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

15. Green Pink Yellow
When the phone green, I pink it up, and say, ‘Yellow?’

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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Two bikers were talking at a bar.

"How's married life?" asks the first.

"It's fine," says the second.

"How's the sex?" asks the first.

"Fine," says the second, "At least I don't have to wait in line!"

-- Joke submitted by Baldo Pazzi   [Jokes]



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An Indian chief had three wives, all of which gave birth. The first had a boy and the chief built her a teepee of deer hide. The second also had a boy and the chief built her a teepee of antelope hide. When the third gave birth, the chief built her a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide.

The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

-- Joke submitted by Vena   [Jokes]



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